How to get started on your
Transition
Here is something that I really liked from
Ten ways to act on your dreams
1.
Take "what
if" out of your vocabulary.
2.
Make lists of your dreams and goals.
3.
Get going - take at
least one step toward making it a reality.
4.
Look at past successes - assess your
strengths.
5.
Understand the goal -
do the research.
6.
Become aware of potential obstacles.
7.
Understand the
finances involved.
8.
Talk to others and
get their objective opinions.
9.
Make a plan - start
small - small triumphs will boost confidence in order to tackle the big-picture
projects.
10.
Make the time.
Let's look at each of these one at a time,
sprinkled with meaningful quotes.
#1. Take
"what if" out of your vocabulary.
Keeping a single-minded focus on the fact that you will
make it - not just can make it - is
essential. There will always be moments when you have doubts - everyone does -
but spending a lot of time mulling over the possibility of failure and planning for it, only makes failure your
focus, and leads to successful failure.
"Whether you think
that you can,
or that you can't, you are usually right."
-
Keep your eyes on your goal and nothing else. If you
are driving and you watch the curb rather than the road, eventually you run into
the curb. A successful transition is your focus, and keep your eyes on that.
"The
minute you start talking about what you're going to do if you lose, you have
lost."
-
#2. Make lists
of your dreams and goals.
"Yes,
you can be a dreamer and a doer too, if you will remove one word from your
vocabulary: impossible."
-
If you've read a lot on this site, you know
that I highly recommend that you write a journal. This is where you will write your goals,
think about them, obsess over them, and plan to achieve them.
Writing things down also gives you the level of objectivity
that you need if you are going to make improvements in your life.
Putting your goals in writing provides the basis for ensuring the permanence
of your dreams.
Begin by breaking transition down as much as you can,
into many discernable goals. For
the MTF that may be electrolysis, losing weight, begin building a wardrobe
of new clothes, find a therapist, get on HRT, change name, find a new job
(and get training for that job!), go full-time, and get SRS, to name a few
things.
the blue prints of your ultimate accomplishments."
Napoleon Hill
If you are a more visual person, then list writing
may not be your thing. So, draw
a picture, or paste something together from a magazine – maybe make
a montage of your goals and how you want to be when you've attained
them. Edit your photo in a paint
program, perhaps. It doesn't
have to be a work of art; it's not about how well you draw, but about your
dreams. You can also use a tape
recorder to record thoughts immediately. I have found that a digital "tape"
recorder is invaluable, as it allows me to record in my car or wherever, and
important thoughts are never lost.
It may be best to avoid sharing your goals with anyone
that would respond negatively to them. Keep them in a safe place, away from prying
eyes. Transitioning from one sex
to another isn't exactly something you can hide at some point, but as you
begin to work through your goals your resolve may not be completely firm as
you test the waters of transition. Keeping
your goals private also allows you to explore the complete range of possibilities that are
out there for you, without fear of those ideas being ridiculed by someone
that ends up not being supportive.
A goal without focus is only a wish. Writing your goals, and building a
framework for action, focuses you and helps to make that goal a reality.
"Believe
and act as if it were impossible to fail."
-
#3. Get
going - take at least one step toward making it a reality.
Transition is like a long flight of stairs stretching
upward before you. Looking at it
from the bottom, it seems an insurmountable climb to the top. Where you are now, and where you want to
be, is a gap wider than the Grand Canyon it seems, and the divide just as deep
and dangerous to traverse.
As with any journey, with each step you take, the
remainder of the journey is that much shorter, and the effort becomes less as
you get used to the exertion required.
The more you climb, the stronger you get, the easier the climb becomes,
and the shorter the remaining distance to your goal, and so on.
Standing at the bottom of the stairs and cursing the
top doesn't solve anything. If
you are in your car and stuck in traffic, you have two choices: 1: get REALLY
angry, and curse the traffic and the other people in their cars, or 2: relax,
and understand that some things are out of our control, and that some things
happen in their own time and not before. Many things in life are like that. How
you react to life, and to this long trek before you, is completely a choice.
How effective is yelling at the cars towards getting the traffic moving? How effective is cursing this journey you
must make? Every little step you
take builds momentum, and gets you closer to where you want to be.
"The vision must be
followed by the venture.
It is not enough to stare up the steps -- we must step up the
stairs."
-
Start by looking at your goals that you have written,
and prioritize them. The first
order of business is often times electrolysis for the MTF, as it is something
you can do (and complete) without committing to a life changing surgery. If you never have SRS, then clearing the
face will at least allow you to exist in the world as yourself more comfortably
when the opportunity arises.
You will need to look at each goal you have set, and
assign each a date for accomplishment.
"Goals", it is
said, "are merely dreams set within
a timeframe." Write these
dates in pencil, as they will most likely change. Don't fret at goals that are moved into
the future; that's just how things go sometimes, especially with transition.
The important thing is to be moving towards that goal's date.
"If one advances
confidently in the direction of [her] dreams,
and endeavors to live the life which [s]he has imagined,
[s]he will meet with a success
unexpected in common hours."
-
[Sorta]
My transition was something that I initially thought
I would never be able to start, let alone would I ever be
"complete". Ever. The things I had to overcome were immense obstacles
in my life and seemed insurmountable, really. All things are possible,
and that is proven every day by transsexuals all over the world. It is not an
easy path, and definitely a "Road Less Traveled", but possible
nonetheless.
This is the kind of journey that requires a strong
will, and perseverance. If you keep at it, chipping away at the stone that
covers the goddess within, you will finally reach what you have been looking
for your entire life.
"I
do not think there is any other quality so essential
to success of any kind as the quality of perseverance.
It overcomes almost everything, even nature."
-
#4. Look
at past successes - assess your strengths.
People have said that I have great courage and strength
to have gone through all that I have. I don't think of myself in that way; heroism,
to me, is someone saving babies from burning buildings, and strength is someone
dealing with problems much worse than I. Regardless of how you see things, we all
have a great inner strength that we most likely do not realize that we have.
It may be dormant, but it's there.
Examine your life, and see where you have been strong in the past. Your own belief in yourself is the greatest
asset you may have.
Don't allow past failures, or regrets, to hold you
back. It's all too easy to focus
on those things in life that didn't work out before, but that won't help you.
"Make it a rule of life
never to regret and never look back.
We all live in suspense, from day to day, from hour to hour;
in other words, we are the hero of our own story."
--
Spending psychic energy on things you should have, or could have, done in life gets you nowhere. Resolve to accept that what is done is
done. If it's a mistake you've
made, then set it right, or ensure that you've learned a lesson from
it. If it's remorse over something
like not transitioning earlier in life, then there really isn't much
you can do about that now, is there?
"Nobody
can go back and start a new beginning,
but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
--
So, focus on the things that
have gone okay. If you don't
feel you have any successes, then start a separate journal and write down even
little things that have gone well.
"Today I didn't fall down the stairs." Before long you will see that your list
of successes, no mater how small each one is, contributes to a long list of
things that have gone well. It will surprise you!
-
#5.
Understand the goal - do the research.
All "out" transsexuals are put into the position of being educators. It's your lot in life when you come out as being TS, and that's the way it is. Basically, everyone else around you is clueless about this condition, and you'll have to teach them what it's really about.
Surviving transition requires
that you understand what this is all about, plain and simple. Sometimes it
helps you feel better just to understand more about the gift you have been
given.
You must also educate yourself
if you are to be able to determine if you should pursue transition and SRS.
Being a transsexual is a self-diagnosed condition, and you can only do that
from a position of authority on the subject. It's something that
only you can decide, and being an "educated consumer" is
essential to a successful transition.
I have many books that I recommend, and many I have reviewed for you,
on my Books page.
Knowledge is power, you may have
heard, and if you don't have real knowledge about this condition, then
you won't have the ammunition you need to defend yourself against those
that would work against you in your transition. When someone hits you with inaccurate information,
then you can hit them with the facts. This will show them, clearly, that you
have researched this, and thought through this problem in detail. I've found that many people immediately
believe that this is a snap decision – something that just came up in
your life, and is probably just a mid-life crisis. You will have to prove them wrong,
if you care about keeping them in your life.
Laurence J. Peter
If things are to get better for
the TS population, then it's up to each transsexual individual to help
to dispel the misinformation that abounds about being transsexual. Unfortunately, 99% of the general population
believes the outdated theories, misinformation, and yellow journalism crud
that has been produced about this condition over the last 50 years. You and I know that what is shown on Springer
is not real life, but that's what people see and hear about transsexuality.
We are not all "pppsycho mmmud-wwwrestling fire-bbbreathing tttopless
ppprostitutes", but when that's all people hear about, then they
believe we are all that way. It's not fair; it just is.
"The good
Lord sets definite limits on man's wisdom
but sets no limits on his stupidity - and that's just not fair."
Turning the tide on all the misinformation
starts with each of us. Surviving transition
requires you to understand what this is all about, too.
#6. Become
aware of potential obstacles.
Creating a list of Pros and Cons can help you not only identify obstacles, but help you to weigh your choice to transition or not. The longer list will probably be the Cons side, but remember that a longer list does not give the Cons more weight.
"Obstacles are those
frightful things you see
when you take your eyes off the goal."
-
If you are married with children, then you certainly
have many potential difficulties in your transition. You may be deeply in love with your spouse,
and love and want to care for your children, always. You will have to do a lot of soul searching,
and weigh a great many issues that are both emotional and financial.
"Nothing will ever be attempted,
if all possible objections must first be overcome."
You will never please everyone, and it seems as if
there is always someone that has a problem or grave concern with the choice
to transition.
I've found that there are people that will invest a great deal of energy into being "right" about this issue, even though they have no real information to draw from. They are usually the ones that will refuse to listen to what you know about transsexuality, too.
"A great deal of
intelligence can be invested in
ignorance when the need for
illusion is deep."
There will be people that will
want their worlds to return to the way they used to be before you came out,
and their need to have you return to the illusion, the facade, that you projected,
will be deep. It may be difficult
for them to accept the truth, as they have much invested in turning back time.
It is the result of preparation, hard work,
and learning from failure."
Colin L. Powell, secretary of state
Show the world that this is the right thing for you, and they will believe it.
"Obstacles
don't have to stop you.
If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up.
Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it."
Michael Jordan
As with anything in life, your own confidence, and getting past your own barriers, is half the battle.
#7.
Understand the finances involved.
Transition, hormones,
therapy, electrolysis,
surgery, clothes, and makeup - ALL cost money. Get used to it.
Many MTF women will spend as much, or more, on electrolysis
as they do for SRS. That's
also the first thing you need to make a lot of progress on before going full-time,
and it's typical to have 60 to 80 hours (minimum) of electrolysis before
being clear enough to go full-time. You don't want to have to
shave part way through the day. At
$75/hr, expect $6,000, then, just to be ready for living full-time. Your total electrolysis expense may cover
150 to 200 hours, typically, and can cost you $15,000. You may want to shop around and contact
other TS's to see who gives the best "bang for the buck",
and buying blocks of time may reduce your expense. If you have the right skin and hair color
combination, then supplementing with LASER can get you done quicker, and reduce
the amount of regular electrolysis you will need to have done. See the Electrolysis
page for more on this.
If you are married and you have young kids, then
getting a divorce isn't going to improve your financial situation. Even without gender-related expenses,
many people go bankrupt because of divorce and the financial drain that it
causes. Living inexpensively may be
a priority post-marriage, when you find yourself supporting yourself, and Ex
and the kids. Those
responsibilities aren't something you can avoid.
Surgery expense varies
by country and surgeon. It's
reasonable to expect MTF SRS to cost $12,000 to $18,000 if done in
If transition and SRS is important to you, you'll
find a way. If it's not, then
do what you can to make your life more comfortable, or sit at home and curse
the top of the stairs. Start saving
your pennies now, as there is no time like the present!
#8: Talk
to others and get an objective opinion.
For the TS person an "objective opinion"
probably isn't going to be encouraging, unless it comes from another TS. An
objective opinion might, however, point out obstacles that you had not
considered before, and it is always good to be prepared for what may lie ahead
for you.
People believe that they can bully you, beat you, and
belittle you into giving this up.
If they do that, then it is not an objective opinion, and you need to
look elsewhere.
#9. Make a plan - start small - small triumphs will
boost confidence in order to tackle the big-picture projects.
Starting with small steps, and small victories, can
help your confidence a lot. Set small, attainable goals at first. By doing a little at a time, you can
feel successful about your progress.
Setting huge goals at first will most likely set you up for
failure. It is unlikely that you
will just slip quietly into womanhood, as most of us bring a lot of history
with us, so a goal of "Tomorrow I will live as myself" probably
won't work if you haven't prepared, and worked through other
smaller goals first.
"Live your life each
day as you would climb a mountain.
An occasional glance toward the summit keeps the goal in mind,
but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point."
-Harold B. Melchart
For many people, starting electrolysis is the first
step. Fifteen or thirty minutes
at a time now is a lot easier to take than four-hour marathons right before
you go full-time. Each hour is
an accomplishment, and you should chart your success as you go.
"Confidence, like art, never
comes from having all the answers;
it comes from being open to all the questions."
Earl Gray Stevens
Your small accomplishments all add up, and before you
know it you are well on your way.
I made myself act as though I was not afraid
and gradually my fear disappeared."
Theodore Roosevelt
"It's only too late if
you don't start now."
- Barbara
Sher
The best time to start is today,
in any way you can!
"I find the great
thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are
moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and
sometimes against it, -- but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor.
"
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
My life greatly improved after my divorce. Not
necessarily because of the divorce, but because I was finally pointed in the right
direction. I used to suffer from deep depression every year - usually in the
springtime, it seemed - and the spring after my divorce I was pleasantly
surprised to find myself without the debilitating depression I had experienced
in the past. It was wonderful. I had no idea at that point when I would ever
transition, let alone have surgery, but I was pointed in the right direction
and I was happy.
"It is never too late
to be what you might have been"
--
George Eliot
Never look back and say "What if". It wastes your valuable psychic
energy. Concentrate on the things
that you can change, like your future.
It's never too late.
"Do not be desirous of
having things done quickly.
Do not look at small advantages.
Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly.
Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being
accomplished."
- Confucius
Transition takes a lot of time. There is no instant gratification when
it comes to transition. Like the
story "The Butterfly",
sometimes the journey is as important as the destination, and who we are when
we arrive is formed through that journey.
We gain strength through experience, not by hiding in the shadows.
"You
gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really
stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived
through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Transition takes some planning, too, and you need to
sit down and look at what options are going to get you where you need to be
physically, financially and emotionally.
"Careers, like
rockets, don't always take off on schedule. The key is to keep working the
engines."
--
Remember that Surgery isn't for everyone
There are varying degrees of gender dysphoria, and
not everyone will need to follow this through to surgery. I did, but
that's not what may be in store for you. Getting on hormones may bring
you the peace of mind you need, and give you that balance you crave.
Finding a support group where you can express yourself can make a world of
difference for you, too. There are a lot of reasons to NOT have surgery,
and to NOT transition. Examine your life, your needs, your situation, and
go from there. Only you can make that decision.