This page is about family, friends, and coworkers, and dealing with some of those issues. Of course, I can only relate to you my experiences, and although I didn't have an ideal transition, it certainly wasn't anywhere near the worst. There are some common threads we all must deal with, so I'll address those here.

You can never guess how someone will take this news. It's nearly impossible, with very few exceptions perhaps. I had faith in many, and they came through. Some that you think will be fine, won't be accepting. Lifelong friends and all. Most likely you will be confused about their lack of acceptance, after all - you just are the way you are. They have a lifetime of beliefs and prejudices built up, and preconceived notions about transsexuality based on the garbage fed them through the years. You will have to prove that garbage is wrong.

Be prepared with all the information you can find, and have all the facts at your fingertips. You need to be able to converse calmly and factually about the nature of this condition to others, and to reassure them that it's a medical condition and not a mental disorder or perversion. Having a prepared coming out letter that you can give them to read will help out immensely. Here is a link to my coming out letter. Feel free to use what you wish for personal purposes.

Ultimately, YOU create your own reality, and how well you approach coming out, and transition, can have a big impact on how the rest of the world views this.

The best transition advice I've ever heard is this:

So, what does that mean? To me it means that if your relationships with others were bad before you transitioned, they most likely won't get any better after you transition. In today's society people automatically believe that being TS is a bad thing. It isn't, of course, but you have a lot of automatic negativity to overcome. "Be Nice" doesn't mean that you should 'roll-over and play dead' when something bad happens to you, either, but it does mean that you should cultivate those relationships that are important to you if you expect to continue those relationships after coming out. Prove to the world that you are a good person, because you are a good person, and there is a good chance they will continue to see that good person inside of you later.

"Be nice" also means that going into transition with a chip on your shoulder, daring people to knock it off, is not the way to win friends and influence enemies.

"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." - Benjamin Franklin

Kindness always pays off in the end, and you always get back more kindness than you give.

Almost EVERYONE will not know what this is really about, and most will have a preconceived notion based on a Jerry Springer show or the gender garbage theories from the past - ancient "conventional wisdom". We aren't all "fire-breathing topless mud-wrestling prostitutes", but that's what they hear about.

After coming out I kept my little coming-out letter with me to let people read if they seemed interested or were in a "need to know" situation at work or in the neighborhood/family. This worked out great, I believe, and universally everyone I showed the letter to appreciated that I did that. They just didn't know, and now they did. I think I made some allies that way, too.

Lets see...  You are homosexual, you are a cross-dresser, this is a mid-life crisis, this is a "lifestyle choice" (whatever that means), you are immoral, you are deviant, you do this to have sex with 'other' men, you will burn in hell if you aren't saved, and you will change your mind, among other things.

The term "transsexual" is unfortunate, really, because deep-down it doesn't have anything to do with sex - it's about Gender, but others will believe that sex is all that it is about. The term was coined by Harry Benjamin, and that was the limit of their understanding in the 50's.

Learn what you can about the reality of this, and fight back with facts and figures. At least you can rest assured that you know what you are talking about, even if you can't change their minds.

There are some wonderful, dear, sweet people out there that will be very supportive of your change, I hope. Try as they might, they probably will never ever really understand what it's like for you, what it is that drives you so hard to make this change in your life. They just can't. Sure, there may be exceptions, and I would hope that everyone would "get it", but don't be surprised when they can't because it's just too foreign a concept. Even Dr. Schrang says he really doesn't understand this all; all he knows is that the surgery helps these people. He would have been one that I would have thought "got it".

Since in most people Sex, Sexuality and Gender all match up, it is very difficult for them to understand how any one of those components might not match up to what they expect of you, let alone why it would cause you so much pain that you must endure this transition.  It's nothing they can peer at and see, no way to validate it's existence, and it's incredibly hard to relate to.

You don't have to lose your job, your family, or the life that you have created for yourself, but it could happen, and does happen to transsexuals all the time.  If you are married then odds are that you will be divorced.  It is a rare spouse that will keep his or her mate after transition, but it does happen.  Part of that is a sexuality thing, and they may not be attracted to your new sex.  Another part may be social, and they may not want the stigma attached to you.  Another part may be a desire to detach themselves from what they see as a sinking ship and to move on with their lives. 

Be prepared.

So far I have stayed at my old jobs through transition.  There is certainly something to be said about starting someplace where they don't know your past.

"Hope is the companion of power, and mother of success; for who so hopes strongly has within him the gift of miracles." - Samuel Smiles

You hope that people will accept you, and that is not always the case.  You can make your argument about how this is a biological fact of your existence, but they will not understand.

Although general ignorance of this problem is a problem, it’s even worse when people have strongly held, wrong information about transsexuality.  “Know-it-alls” abound, unfortunately, and since they already know it all, there certainly isn’t any reason to listen to you.  They are closed-minded, prejudiced and judgmental.  About all you can do is be the best you that you can be, and hope they come around.  You have to prove them wrong, because they are.

It will take longer than you think, and much longer than you want.  Take the time, you'll need it.

It will not only take others a long time to get used to your new situation, but it will take time for you to be comfortable too. Taking it slow is out of respect for others, I feel.  It is VERY easy to mistake silence from others as acceptance, and there is a BIG difference between hearing about "so-and-so is a transsexual" and seeing you in a dress. Let them get comfortable.  Don't feed them too much information at first - let it sink in for a bit. You'll have to feel out when it's time to tell them more, and some people will never want to know more - especially some men.

There is something to be said about jumping in with both feet, that's for sure, and you'll have to gauge your situations to see what is best. With my family and my day-job I took it slowly, but at the college I jumped right in, but I had already been full-time for months at the day-job. Initially at the day job I found it difficult to feel comfortable in a lot of old situations, and I quickly got over that and hopefully so did the others.

Sometimes for the better, sometimes not.

You will find that there are people in your life that are "totally cool" about your transition at first, but as things sink in they begin to have a problem with it.  Maybe a BIG problem with it, where they seemed to have none before.  Their initial enthusiasm may be masking other things. Take it slow and cultivate the relationship if it's important to you.  Give them time.  Educate when appropriate.

Some people will have a problem with you before your surgery and not afterwards.  I believe people keep a little mental hook into what they believe your true sex to be and when it doesn't match your appearance or their old expectations they have difficulty.  Getting the world in alignment for them seems to help.

Also, as I have been told and have yet to find out, some people will be accepting of you before surgery and not afterwards.  Weird, but I'm told that it happens.  Go figure.

Just before my surgery I had a number of people ask me if I was really going through with it. This surprised me, and showed that they really didn't understand. Telling them "Of course I am!" seemed to surprise them. Never assume you know what they are thinking, or that they understand.

You can't make people understand this by yelling and putting on a strong front.  You can't force them to change their attitude towards you no matter how hard you try, it just doesn't work that way, and all too often people just push back as hard as you push them.

All you can do is be the best you that you can be.  That's all. 

Other people will believe that they can yell at you, and bully you, into changing back to the 'old way'.  Understand that they just don't get it, and you fighting back will just increase the problem.  Most people want to be heard, to be understood, and if you yell back then you obviously didn't get their message and they need to yell some more.  Take some time to listen to them, to understand their point of view, and repeat back to them what you think they are trying to say.  This deflates their need to yell and be abusive because they know they got their message across. 

Then you state your case, and not before.  If they won't listen, give it some time and try again.  Understand that some people may never come around, and that is an unfortunate fact of life. Others it may take years, but if it's important to you then take the time it needs.

Remember that people will need to see that this is a positive change in your life to believe it for themselves.

A consistent gender presentation is important, and being androgynous is an uncomfortable place to be in once you transition. People are more comfortable with someone that is fully one thing or the other, I've found. Before going full-time it was fun when I was read as a woman, or if someone wasn't sure, because it meant that I was progressing. After going full-time it meant failure to be read as a man, or if someone questioned your gender.  People staring at you wondering what the heck you are is not good, and could put you in real danger.

Showing an unwavering determination to be your new self is important, I feel, for others.  Flip-flopping back and forth will only give them reason to criticize and want to intervene, so unless there is a good reason to do boy-mode, don't.  The same goes for voice; lose the old voice and don't use it again, even if the girl-mode voice isn't quite right yet. It's hard, I know, but work at it.

It is near impossible to change people's minds about your sex.  A persons sex is the very first thing one person determines about another. All interactions between you and other people will be colored by that very first determination, and once it gets into their mind you are other thing or another it is very difficult - if not impossible - to change that.  It's a 'survival of the species' kinda thing, I believe, and it's also a big part of why this is so important for us to correct this male/female issue that lives in us.

What this also means, unfortunately, is that you will probably never have a normal relationship in your chosen gender with people that knew you from before. I hope that it is possible, and I'm sure that depends on the individuals involved, but don't be surprised if the people at work continue to see you as "a guy in a dress" for a very long time.

My guess is that words like "he" and "she" are fillers that the brain uses while it's thinking of the next thing to say.  So is your name.  It's automatic and is said without forethought, and to change from one name or pronoun to the other takes a lot of mental effort.  So don't beat people up when they get it wrong and they at least try and correct themselves.  My name was "Hey Dad" to my son, and it took a while before it became "Hey Jen" automatically.  There will be those, like my Ex, that don't seem to try or care, and your guess is as good as mine what to do with them.  You could try ignoring the person, since they must not be talking to you!  :)

This is something that is harder for people than I imagined, so be very thankful to people when they make an effort to get it right because it truly is an effort for them. Try calling someone the wrong gender on purpose, and you will see how hard it is. 

When mistakes are made I gently remind them with a smile and the response, "Who?"  Sometimes I just let it go without comment when I know it's just in the heat of conversation. If someone feels bad about getting it wrong they sometimes approach you later to apologize. I always explain that it's understandable, and I know how hard it is. I tell them I appreciate the effort, too. If they have not seen my coming-out letter, I usually take that opportunity to show it to them, since this person is most likely going to be empathetic to my situation.

Now, after two (plus) years post-transition, I still have people at work referring to me as "he" and "him" without forethought.  Sigh.  It's distressing at best, and I don't have the strength to bother correcting them, and there is no sense of humor left to laugh it off.  You have to move forward.

I will tell you a bit about my experiences here eventually. Suffice it to say, BE PREPARED.

For now, here are some helpful links....

If you need a little help with this, and don't we all, the Center for Gender Sanity offers books and consulting services for helping you come out on the job, calling their services, "Transitions that Work". Transitions That Work is a consulting service for transsexuals who plan to transition on the job, their coworkers, and their employers. They offer help in planning a successful transition, guidance for employers dealing with transition issues, and diversity training about transsexualism. They have available a brochure for employers you can download (a paper version is available on request). They also have two books available: Transsexual Workers: An Employer's Guide and Working with a Transsexual: A Guide for Coworkers. The employer's book explains transsexualism and the process of transitioning from one sex to the other in plain language. Guidance is offered to employers and managers on every aspect of transition, from which restroom a transsexual employee should use to the application of nondiscrimination statutes to transgendered persons. Potential problem areas in the workplace are addressed, and a resource section points the way to additional books, web sites, videos, and more. The coworker's book contains the same information about transsexualism and transitioning, but in the context of a transsexual woman's story. Questions coworkers frequently ask are answered, and pictures of transsexual professionals are included.