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Above all, children need to know
that you are OK. If you are struggling and feeling like you might not win the
struggle, don't do it alone. Get help for yourself. Your child will benefit
from it too! Here are some more of the basics:
1. Children. like adults. need
to feel good about themselves. They need to feel that they are good people,
that they are lovable, and that they are loved. Translated, this means that
Transgender (TG) families should make an effort to help the children understand
that the TG family member's condition is:
a) Not caused by the child or
the child's actions or decisions or thoughts.
b) Not "curable" by the child, no matter how good they are and no matter
what sacrifices and promises they make.
Some children, especially older
children, may interpret the adult's decision to begin transition as a sign that
the adult does not love the child enough to delay or reject transition. The
child may not say this out loud because the thought is too painful to accept.
Anticipate this unhappy thought and explain that the love of the child was one
of the most important factors in putting off transition this long! The urge to
become alike inside and out is so strong that it is a miracle that it didn't
happen long ago.
2. Children need information.
What they wonder about and do not know they will make up. What they make up may
be based on serious misinformation or fears. Giving them information that is
age appropriate is very important. Children are learning machines. Therefore,
they take in a lot of information through their eyes and ears. It would be a
mistake to assume that little
If you have had good
communication with your child in the past, and you have been able to talk about
difficult things without you becoming embarrassed or defensive or angry or
shaming or authoritarian or getting your feelings hurt, you have already laid
the foundation for talking about the family gender issues. You have taught your
child that you are a SAFE listener and you are inviting your child to ask
questions and make comments. Your child knows that they can get straight
information from you without a lot of emotional baggage attached to it. If you
have not been a high scorer in this area, you will want to improve your
listening skills. A book that can help you do this is, "How to Talk so
Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk".
Even if your child is not asking
questions, there will be certain information that, from time to time, you will
need to give them. Try writing it down first. Then read it as if you were in
your child's shoes. Consult with someone else to be sure you are not providing
too much information and that you have put it in a way that a child of your
child's age can understand. Practice giving this information out loud until you
feel comfortable (so your child will be comfortable too). Always tell your
child that all questions and comments are welcome.
3. Children need to be children,
not adults. They are not equipped to be emotionally responsible for you.
Parents who become martyrs invite their children to take care of them
emotionally. Let your child know that, no matter what decisions you make and no
matter what the outcome of these decisions, they are your decisions and you are
strong enough to take care of yourself. It is OK for you to be honest with them
about your feelings, but let them know that you can handle these feelings
yourself. Your child does not need to do anything to make you happier or calmer
or less worried.
Children need to be engaged in
developmentally appropriate activities. The family TG issues or a family
member's transition should not get in the way of these important matters.
Playing with other kids, going to basketball practice, getting outfitted for
the prom and other activities go on. Reassure your child that his or her life
will go on normally. If you find that is not happening, consider what steps you
need to take to remedy that.
4. Children need to live out of
war zones. A war zone exists if the adults speak of one another with disrespect
or sarcasm, "clever" double meanings, and similar verbal barbs. In an
environment like this, your child has no safe place to express him or herself.
Any comment at all could be viewed as disloyal to one side or the other. To be
disloyal is to risk rejection!!! Your child may feel invited to agree with
whoever they are with - and feel guilty about it later. Another child will feel
compelled to stand up for the maligned parent and take on adult mediation
responsibilities that cannot help but fail and leave the child feeling
responsible. You don't want your child to be placed in this position If you
have already done this, explain to your child that you were wrong. You will be
setting a good example. Your child does not need you to be perfect.
5. Children need to feel
important. That means that they need to know they have an influence over you
and some power over their environment Their needs and reasonable wishes should
be met. If that does not happen, your child will get the message that he or she
is not important to you. This sows the seeds for low self esteem, for future
depression and destructive rebellion. If your daughter requests that you do not
wear make up when her new boy friend comes over for the first time, carefully
weigh the consequences to both of you of that decision. If your son comes to
you and asks you not to belittle dads efforts to appear to feminine, consider
the costs to your relationship of ignoring this request.
6. Children need to feel their
own feelings. Your shame is contagious! If you are feeling ashamed of yourself
or your family member, your child may take on your shame. It is not a good idea
to begin transition if you are still dealing with significant levels of shame.
Attack that in your own therapy. Family members who see the TG issues as
reflecting on them in a negative way also have work to do to get past their
shame and start to feel good about themselves. A family member's transgender
status is no reflection at all on the children in the family and they should be
given every opportunity to avoid taking on your shame because of it. Your
anger, your worry, your sadness and Your helplessness don't belong to your
children either. Do share your true feelings and be clear that they are YOUR
feelings right now, that they change over time, and that your child does not
have to feel the same way. Encourage your child to share his or her feelings.
If your child does not want to share them with you, be sure and tell them it is
OK, even a good idea, to share them with somebody else. Tell them there are no
wrong feelings for them to have.
7. Children need to be heard. It
is your job to become the best listener you can be. (See No. 2. above.) If your
child still does not let you know his or her thoughts and feelings and
questions, make sure there is somebody else available for them. Old patterns
die hard. If your child is too concerned with hurting your feelings or bringing
on your anger, don't try to pry their thoughts out of them. Just keep
practicing your listening skills, be patient and try to feel good that your
child has someone to confide in even if it is not you.
8. Children need to know they
will not lose you. Families often change configuration when a family member
reveals that he or she is transgendered. If a divorce or separation is being
considered in your family or if someone is threatening to cut off relations
with other members of the family because of TG issues it is especially
important to reassure children that you will not leave them and you will not
take them away from anyone else who is important to them. Transgenderism in a
family member should not translate to losses for the children. They didn't ask
for it either!
9. Children need to know that
they are not transgendered Give them age appropriate information about what
transgenderism is. Let them know they cannot catch it, and that it is a very
rare condition that does not run in families and cannot be inherited.
10. Children need to know that
transgenderism is a normal human variation. Transgendered persons have always
been among us. Transgenderism is not a moral issue, nor is it about character
or willpower. It is not a voluntary condition. Transgenderism is a medical
condition that people are born with. Children old enough to understand the
gestation process can understand that boys and girls begin life the same. While
they are growing inside the mother they slowly develop into different sexes.
This involves changes in both the body and the brain. Very rarely the changes
go in different directions and boys have brains more like girls and girls have
brains more like boys. Sometimes the differences between brain and body are so
great that the person feels very uncomfortable in their body and living the sex
role that matches their body. Sometimes the best way to correct this condition
is to change the body to match the brain. It is not possible to change the
brain to match the body. Sometimes it is possible for the transgendered person
to live a life that matches the brain without changing the body. Very often
dressing in the clothes of the sex that matches the brain is very important for
the transgendered individual's emotional well-being. Only the transgendered
person can decide how much and what kind of change is needed.
Families need to work together
to help children deal with the following: Strategies will differ depending on
the child's age and circumstances.
Social Stigma and teasing by
other children:
*How can the child stand up to the ignorance of others and maintain high self
esteem?
School:
*What information should be shared with school personnel and teachers? When and
how? *How much and what kind of involvement should the transgendered person
have with the child's school?
Friends and Friend's Families:
*Who to tell, how much to tell and when and how to tell it.
Other family members:
*How can the child deal with family members who are angry and uncooperative?
All families face challenges. No
children have perfect lives. It is the way we face challenge and what we learn
from it that determines how resilient we will be in life. Children learn by our
examples. What would you like the child in your life to learn about him or
herself and about others from the experience of having a transgendered family
member? What will your example teach?
(This document may not be
reproduced or distributed without the author’s written permission.)
(Thank You! to
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