Parenting Issues

First, put your mind at ease. Being a Transsexual does not mean you should, or have to, give up your kids. It is not, and should not be, expected. Ever.

A good place to start is with the excellent insight and advice of therapist Cynthia Young, in her document, "The Needs of Children in Transgender Families."

You can jump to relevant links at the bottom of the page, or you can start reading some of my thoughts on all of this....

The kids will be just fine

The consensus is that kids take a parent's transition better before the age of ten and after the age of 20.  Young kids believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy, and are very malleable.  Kids will take cues from the adults around them, and if the adults are going "Oh my gosh, how terrible!" then the kids will believe it's terrible.  Don't give them a reason to believe it's terrible, because it's not, and things can go okay.  You will have to show that this is a positive change for you for others to feel the same. Don't act psycho and expect everyone to just accept that.  It doesn't work for non-TS parents, either.

During the teen years, especially for boys, things get different.  Sex and sexuality begin to drive their existence, as you may well remember.  Be sensitive to their needs, but don't get out of their lives.  Teenagers become more involved with their friends than their parents during those years, and become more independent.  Give them time, and stay in their lives no matter how your situation goes. They will appreciate it in the end.

Stay in the kids lives

Being TS does not mean that you should be out of your kid's lives.  If you were a good parent before, then continue to be a good parent afterwards.  Young kids are more concerned about being abandoned than about your gender issues, so stay a committed part of their lives as best you can.  That is what will be important to them, and that is what they will remember about you.

People get divorced every day, and what affects kid’s lives negatively is the crud that goes on between the parents, not the gender issues.  Try to avoid that mudslinging and you are pointed in the right direction.

Just be a good parent.  Regardless of your gender issues, your kid's lives are ultimately their own.  All you can ever do is your best, and hope for the best with them.

The kids won't be teased

Huh?  Sure, it can happen, but it isn't an eventuality, as most people would like to believe.  People expect that the kids will be teased, but they are working off their experiences ump-teen years ago when they were in school.  Things have changed, in many areas of the world, and your mileage today will vary of course.  Nowadays you find Gay-Straight Alliance groups in High Schools, and other kids with lesbian and gay parents.  There are many gay and lesbian characters on television, and one or two transsexuals, and people aren't shocked, surprised and horrified about this like they used to be.

Still, I try to read situations and people to see what is appropriate.  I also take cues from my kids about what may be acceptable, and I talk to my son about how he feels in different situations.

Your kid's friends will take cues from their parents on how to handle this, so you may have to do a preemptive strike and educate the parents a bit.  If they knew you as a good person before transition that will help you.  Your kid's friends will also take cues from your kids, and if they are okay with it then things go a lot smoother.

So far, so good.  I have taken it slow with my son's friends since he was13 when I went full-time.  I didn't mind doing boy-mode early in transition if I had to go to his school or be around his friends, but that need slowly faded away and is completely nonexistent at this point.  You have to be sensitive to your kid's feelings, and weigh that against your need for a consistent gender presentation.

My son now tells other kids I'm is "Aunt Jen", which is fine with me. Other friends of his know that I used to be his dad, and they are cool with it. I understand, thought that since he's in High School now, that kids can be especially cruel during this time in life. We do what we can. 

You can still be a dad

Or mom, if you are FTM.  Moreover, I don't mean 'dad' as in male.  Being a woman now doesn't mean you can't hunt and fish with your kids, if that's what you like to do.  Even if I stayed the other way, I wouldn't have done that, I just wasn't that way and that's okay.  If you were, you can still be.  The choice is yours.  Some people feel that the kids need that 'male influence' to turn out okay and feel bad that they can't fill that need, and I disagree.  With the number of kids being raised in single-mom households growing, I don't hear anyone passing legislation to find these women a man to balance their kid's lives.  No matter what, you bring uniqueness to the lives of your kids that no one else can match.  Just be a good parent.

A study of lesbian couples with children shows that the kids often times looked to each parent for different things, much to the chagrin of the women.  The kids looked to one to be nurturing, and the other which to have fun.  Don't be surprised if that doesn't continue and the kids look to you as the dad, as much as you may want to be the mom.

Links

Their mission: "Supporting the loving and caring relationship between Transgender Parents and their children."

This is an outstanding resource, and the site has many well-researched links to the things you need, particularly if you are in a custody dispute.

The resources listed on this site include the categories:

Advocacy Resources
Anti-hate, Anti-Bias Resources
Civil Rights Resources
Custody Resources
Family Resources
Family Law Resources
General Legal Resources
Media and Education Resources
Political Resources
Support Resources
Youth Resources

This site is definitely a place to go, with both excellent writing, and excellent resources. Added 5/13/01.

 

Families Like Mine

is a web site dedicated to decreasing isolation for children with parents who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender (GLBT), and bringing voice to the experiences of these families.

In some communities, these families are out and proud; in others, they are almost invisible. In the United States, there are approximately 8-12 million kids who have at least one GLBT parent. This site was created by Abigail Garner, a lifetime advocate for GLBT families because she comes from one herself. You can find information on support, networking and resources, as well as learn more about Abigail, her writing and her lectures and workshops.

 

Linda's TS Retreat

Linda's Retreat has a page entitled "Links and Information for Transsexual Parents and Families." Lots of links here! I just noticed that I'm listed there, too! :-)

From her site: "Devoted to information on transsexualism, couples issues, and issues transsexual parents face when raising children". Be sure to give her site a look!

The International Journal of Transgenderism's paper on Transsexual's Children.

From December of 1998. Yes, they can turn out just fine and they will still love you. Just be a good parent, and don't leave them (hopefully you have a choice).

Here is the link to my page with links relevant to TG Kids and the kids of TG Parents.

In our Recommended Reading section, please check out the book "Out of the Ordinary: Essays on Growing Up With Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender Parents."

Page updated March 23, 2003