Here is where I will post some of the questions that I have been asked, along with my response. They are edited for anonymity and content, of course. I hope you find them useful....
(From the girlfriend of a pre-op TS): [She wants to know,] “did you still have the same excitement to wear appropriate clothing (girls clothes) even after it was okay to do so, she says she loves the sexiness she feels when she gets to wear the clothes she loves and she wonders if that fades... her questions pretty much pertain to whether she will be still have the excitement in her life that she has now in the anticipation of being who she really is...I guess it is fear of regret and rejection that plagues her mind the most...”
Answer:
“The nice thing about transitioning and being able to wear whatever you want, is that there is no social stigma associated with wanting and wearing a female article of clothing. It’s just normal, expected, and appreciated by others. You feel just like any other woman does when she wears clothes. Shopping for clothes is no longer stressful, and you graduate from something that is not normal, to something that is quite normal.
It’s different than a male cross-dressing, as so much is tied into the eroticism. It’s that testosterone-driven visually-oriented deal at that point. Post-testosterone, it’s much, much more comfortable, and a happier thing. I haven’t had the chance to feel sexy with anyone, and I hope to correct that problem this weekend. ;) I’ll let you know.
Testosterone is required in the female, too, to drive the libido. She may find, just as many natal women do, that they need a testosterone supplement as part of their HRT to keep that spark going, but that is not always the case.
Are great gains ever achieved without some loss? There are great gains to be had for many TSs that transition, that is for certain. The greatest gain is the peace of mind, of having this issue that constantly nags at you 24/7 every day of your life slowly dissipate and disappear. Then you can freely be the sexual, as well as spiritual, being that you were always meant to be. The stress and depression of being transgendered is replaced by being normal, and the new ability to completely focus your psychic energy on other, more valuable things in your life.
Is there anyone that does not have some regrets in their life? Regrets come with the territory, and it’s important to let go of those things and move forward with your life. Regrets only keep you in the past, wasting the present time with things you cannot change. We make the best choice we can, and hope to minimize those things we might regret later. Whether to transition or not is something only she can decide, and weighing all the pros and cons is an excellent exercise. The list for the “cons” might be longer, but the few items in the “pros” side often far outweigh the many items in the “cons”.
- Jenni”
Question:
Hi. My name is Jackie, but all my friends call me Jason because
that is who I
want to be. I’m 18 years old and well I am writing you because I am
desperate. I am trying to find someone who will help me get started with
the
process of being who I want to be. I am having a hard time living at home
now since my parents found out who I am trying
to become. They constantly
verbally abuse me and sometimes my mother will physically abuse me. I cant
take it anymore and I need to get out of here, that’s why I’ve been trying
to
ask my friends if they could help me get a loan so I could get me a car
and
move out and begin my transition. The only thing is that my friends are
only
18 too and don’t have any credit or a good job so they couldn’t help me.
I
know you don’t know me and may not believe me or want to try to help me,
but I
just figured I could ask other TS and they would know what I was going
through and would maybe help me. If you will please consider
it. I would
pay you back every month for the loan and possibly more if you would help.
Please I’m very desperate I know once I get started with the transition
ill
become a more happier person. I will sign a contract
or anything to make
sure you get your money plus if you would need anymore information about
me I
would be happy to give it to you. Well thank you for your time.
sincerely,
Jason
P.S. If you
can please email me back as soon as possible to tell if you will
help me or not. I really appreciate it Thanks.
Answer:
Hi Jason,
Unfortunately, I am not in a position to help you financially. My Ex wife gets all my money, and I work two and three jobs to make ends meet. My ability to help others is limited to my web site and the time I spend sending email.
I will never understand parents that would do what yours are doing, especially your mom. It’s hard enough just being TS, let alone the abuse we get from friends, family, and society in general. After aspiring to be a female for 38 years, I always find it hard to understand women that aren’t what we expect of women. I’m sure it’s hard, but I think it would be safe to say that sharing with your parents _anything_ to do with being TS is a bad idea, at least for now.
People believe that they can bully you, beat you, and belittle you, into giving this up. Other people will NEVER fully understand what this is like for you. Never. Even the most supportive and caring individuals in your life (and I hope you have or find some) will never fully understand what it’s like, unless they are TS too. Hopefully your parentswill receptive at some point in the future, and they will be open to the facts about this.
How have you come to grips with the fact that you are TS? Have you done a lot of reading? I’m just curious what you’ve gone through, I’m not questioning your status. It’s something only you can determine for yourself, no one else can ‘diagnose’ that.
So now you need to figure out where to go from here. Getting a job is the first order of business if you aren’t planning on being in school. Are/were your parents sending you to college? Many TS’s hold off transition, as hard as that is, until they are out of college and able to get a good paying job. You may want to look through www.tsroadmap.com, and read her story as that is what she did in order to afford surgery. She also has quite a bit of advice for young transitioners.
It comes down to being realistic about the future. Not going to school and settling for a low paying job is not going to get you where you need to be. Even Tech school will get you a better job than minimum wage, I would hope. What are your interests?
Transition takes a lot of time, and a lot of cash. There is no instant gratification when it comes to transition. You are Very fortunate to have come to grips with this so young. Very. Transition takes some planning, too, and you need to sit down and look at what options are going to get you where you need to be. What options do you have? If you drop the issue with your parents, which seems like a good idea based on the little that I know about you, then do opportunities open up for you? Can you stay at home, go to school and get a better job eventually? Or are things to the point that they seem irreparable with the folks?
Please keep me posted on how things are going. I’m always around to listen. I have a few links on my site to FTM resources. Finding a local supportive friend that is FTM may help guide you in the right direction.
Good luck with everything, and I look forward to hearing back from you.
Hugs,
Jenni
Question:
Hi Jen !! wonderful website. I'm 31 yrs
old ever since I was 5 I wanted to be a girl. I started wearing my mothers
clothing at age 8. It was very big and didn't fit well. I've never shared
this with anyone, I recently got a computer and
found your website. Throughout my life I have always identified with the
female gender. But I kept it locked inside of me. I come from a strong Italian
background where men have to be men.
I have wanted to express my female-self but It
is difficult for me. I have nobody I can trust or assist me with my hopeful
transformation to Rebecca.
I've wanted to by some clothing but I am not fashion wise in lady clothing.
I know what I like but will it fit?
This is hard for me the girl I am inside(Rebecca)
wants to come out.
I have had a normal life, but this is something I can't keep inside anymore?
What should I do in the interim?
hormones?
cross-dressing?
Please Help! thanks Rebecca! (3-18-01)
Answer:
Hi Rebecca,
I can appreciate where you are at right now.
As far as clothes, that depends a lot on what you can get away with. I always felt better about my situation when I was able to wear women's clothes, even if nobody could tell the difference. _I_ knew the difference, and that's all that mattered. Finding women's things that will fit you may be difficult, and looking at size charts in the JC Penney's catalog (or Land's End) may help you with that. Even at a place like Penny's (or wherever) you will find that each different brand that they sell will fit different than the next. Some of that is to address the changes in a woman's body over time, I believe, along with just the wide variety in women to begin with. Start with Relaxed-Cut jeans, perhaps. Some - even at Wal-Mart - are labeled "boy cut" and you can probably get away with it easier. To try them on I would usually find them in the ladies section then take them to the men's and use the dressing room there. There may be cameras in there, so be careful what you bring in. More often, though, I would just buy the size I knew I needed and then try them on at home. If it didn't work out, then I would take it back "for my wife".
If you go out as Rebecca, Do Not attempt to use the ladies dressing room or bathroom unless you are quite sure you pass as a woman. You can be arrested and jailed.
Buy a book on clothing style. Check Amazon.com or your local bookstore. The key to fitting in is to dress like all the other women in whatever situation you may be in. Don't wear a dress to the Laundromat, for instance. Watch what women wear around you, and especially women your size and shape. The goal is to fit in, and not to stick out. For most people it takes some time to develop your own style.
As far as hormones, you would need to be in therapy with a gender therapist for a few months before getting on a medically supervised program. You don't want to risk your health. You can look for a therapist on Dr. Becky's site, at http://www.drbecky.com/theraprint.html.
Since you are Italian, my guess is that you have a dark thick beard. If your goal is to eventually go out into the world as Rebecca, you will need to practice covering that beard. Dermablend brand makeup works great to cover problem areas, but you will have to go to a makeup counter to get it. If your goal is to eventually transition, then you need to get the beard removed, and the time to start that is now. It's a lot easier to do it a little at a time now, then to be in a hurry later. It hurts like heck, but it's essential. Your best bet would be to get involved with a support group, and you can find one at: http://www.tgfmall.com/tgfr.html. They can point you to places that are safe to go in your area, hopefully, and can help you discover what you need to do. They would also have some specific makeup advice, too.
Only you can decide if you are TS or not, and what you must do with your life. No one else.
Take care, and good luck!
Jenni
Question:
I have a question for you. Today I experience several episodes of very sad moments. Almost like grieving. Am I grieving over the passing of my old male self, the loss of my old lifestyle and life? Did you experience anything like that? I know the moments I'm fully Shari are wonderful.
Hugs, Shari
Answer:
As far as your grieving, I know many people have said that they grieved the loss of the old self. That isn’t something I experienced, I don’t think, since I still feel that I’m the same person. The old me was not the true me, and I can’t grieve the loss of something that wasn’t true.
Everyone gets down from time to time, and I found that those times were much shorter once I was pointed in the right direction. Grieve if you must, because it’s probably part of your process and you should listen to what your body and mind is telling you.