If you are considering suicide, CLICK HERE NOW. In the US, call 1-800-SUICIDE.
Suicide, it is said, is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I will not trivialize your feelings about this, and although I have never seriously considered this an option, I believe I can relate well enough to the feelings and thoughts that may drive you to consider this an option for you, to be able to discuss this.
For the transsexual, you may be going through a divorce, facing the possibility of not being allowed to see your kids, the loss of your job, or facing extreme prejudice from your family, friends and coworkers. Faced with losing everything you love and have built over your lifetime is the most difficult thing of all. Your gender gifts are an irresistible force, and the life and people you know amounts to an immovable mountain. You may feel shame, guilt, anger, fear, and sadness over your situation, and there seems to be only one way out. You may feel isolated and distressed. Your hopes and aspirations for transition may be far from your reality, and this is true for just about everyone that goes through this process, or is living in the wrong gender.
You aren't the first to be in this position, and you aren't the last, unfortunately. Keep in mind that the problem with transsexuality isn't that you are transsexual; it's society and their ignorance and intolerance. I know that saying that doesn't make it easier. There is hope, and there is help.
"When you get into a tight place and everything
goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer,
never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."
- Harriet Beecher Stowe
When you are depressed, the last thing you want is some happy person telling you "It will get better!" The difference here is that I do know what you may be going through unlike almost any other person - at least any other non-TS person. To a certain extent I've been there, and I know what is possible, and that you can get through this. I've been through more than enough depression in my life to know what it's like.
I have been truly amazed over the years to hear how many transsexuals have seriously contemplated suicide. So far I haven't met anyone that was sorry they didn't kill themselves.
.
We don't live in a vacuum, where what we do and who we are doesn't affect other people. It does affect other people - people you may care about. If you don't care about them, then I have to ask what makes their opinion or feelings more important than your life?
Perhaps you want to make the ones around you feel guilty for the rest of their lives for the pain you are going through. Suicide may seem like a great way to put others out of the misery of having you around, but in truth it's not. I can not imagine the guilt I would feel if one of my children committed suicide over something I did, or could have prevented. The same goes for friends, acquaintances and coworkers. The affect is wide, and it never goes away for those left behind.
Please go to the site "Survivors of Suicide" and read some of what people have to say and think about the suicide of someone in their lives. You will probably cry, and may reconsider this option very quickly. I hope you do.
"Dying is easy. Anyone can die. It's those who take everything this world has to throw at them and still have the courage to try and make something of themselves; those are the brave ones." - Samuel Nau
If you have kids you have another, higher, responsibility to them. They didn't ask to come into this world, and to be abandoned by you is grossly unfair to them, especially young ones. For me, my kids were always this light that helped me see through the dark times, and knowing that I would be there to help them with their lives later gave me strength to go on. One thing that I think about with my own kids is that there will always be times in their lives where I may be needed to help them through a tough time, make a tough decision, or just to take care of the grandkids - hopefully, some day! Kids are more concerned about abandonment than about your gender gifts.
If you are being prevented from seeing your young children, it's my hope that this is a temporary problem that can be resolved in time. No matter what restrictions you may have, I feel that your persistence in staying in touch with them, and fighting as best you can to see them and keep them part of your life, is what will be important to them as they get older. I've read more horror stories than I would ever care to about the evil things that ex-spouses and family members do to prevent a transgendered parent from being with their kids. If this is your case, then don't let them win by giving up. Persistence can win out against many things. For help with legal and custody issues, please go to TransParentcy.org.
No matter how bad it may be now, it can always get better. That's my idealistic hope, of course, but my experience so far has been that no matter how bleak it may be, it does always get better and I love to remind people of that after they have considered suicide. It may not be soon, but this time too will pass. It always does. You need to be part of the solution, though, and all too often we are the biggest obstacle to our own happiness.
"The darkest day, if you live till tomorrow, will have past away." - William Cowper
Despair doesn't last forever, but 'dead' does.
"Being defeated is often a temporary condition.
Giving up is what makes it permanent." - Marilyn vos Savant
I'm not a therapist, and can only relate to you my thoughts and experiences on this subject. I am neither trained nor equipped to handle these situations, and neither are most people you know, I would guess. The first thing you should do is find some caring, competent help. You may be geographically challenged in this respect, and lack resources in your area and compassionate people you can talk to. Just because someone is a therapist doesn't mean that they will understand you and help, so you may have to look around a bit. Don't get discouraged if this happens; some people just aren't equipped, or aren't really compassionate. You may have to drive for a long distance, then, or find someone that will talk to you on the phone. You don't have to wait until the deepest point of crisis or until you have a life-threatening problem before you seek help.
Contact a Doctor, Community Health Center, Counselor, Psychologist, Social Worker, Youth Worker, Minister, etc. etc. If face-to-face doesn't work, then contact a support phone line or use the Internet to contact others.
If you are feeling suicidal, then problem-solving is not going to be something you can do well. Get help.
Seek out other people like you for support. It is said that an understanding friend is better than a therapist - and cheaper too. That's why, after all, you found this web site, right? You haven't given up, and are looking for help. Another transsexual will understand you like no other person in the world. Trust me on this. There are many Email groups and transsexual support sites out there, and contacting one or many is where you can begin to get help, at any time. Many people care, and are willing to help someone in need.
Getting your act together is the first step to getting the rest of your life together. Being suicidal might get you lots of attention, but it probably won't help your situation. When dealing with evil family members, all that does is prove you are unstable, proves them right, and gives them lots of ammunition to use against you. What is it that you can do to correct this situation? What is is that you can do to get away from the things that are causing your pain?
Early in transition, my then-therapist asked me to make out a list of the pros and cons of transition. It helped me to see what affect this would have not only on my life, but the lives of others around me. Perhaps an exercise like this can help you, too, to decide what is truly best.
Be aware that you may have to let go of your past to live the life that you need.
The danger signs that someone has the potential for committing suicide include:
It is often difficult for people to see these signs in themselves.
On my page "Help!" I have general information about depression, and anti-depressants, that you may find helpful.
Dr. Becky has a wonderful essay on Suicide that you should read. Also, please look over the stories in my Inspiration section, especially "Friends". It's a story about how one person can make a difference in another's life, and how things can change for the better.
Another very positive article you should read is by Amy. As she says, "Whether it be for you or for someone else, the power to make positive change is yours to embrace." We are of like-mind on that.
Katie, a graduate Development Psychology student and transsexual, has a very good article she wrote from the perspective of someone that has been to that edge.
Natalie has an excellent piece on Suicide, and she talks about her own struggles with life, and the brink of death. A must-read.
Check out the Survivors of Suicide's links to other resources for prevention and help.
Other valuable sites you should look into are to Metanoia, which gives some very good advice to those considering suicide, and to Samaritans, which are a UK and Ireland based organization that provides Email and phone support.
People DO get through this. Every day, and from situations probably far worse than your situation.
If you feel that nobody cares, you are wrong. I care. If I didn't, I wouldn't have written this page, and I wouldn't have this web site. You will find a lot of people in this world that do care. All you need to do is look.
"We sometimes feel that what we do is just a drop in the ocean, but the ocean would be less because of that missing drop." - Mother Teresa
This page updated October 20, 2007
Updated October 20, 2007
This Site, the Journal, and all related pages, are copyrighted 1997-2007 by Jennifer O except as noted. All rights reserved. This Document may not be reproduced in any form without the author's written permission.