Gender-ID Blog

I just got home from my Intro. to Judaism class. For those of you unaware, I converted to Judaism at about the same time I initially began transition (leading my Jewish friends to comment…what being transgendered isn’t enough of a burden for you?). Anyway, I am retaking the class, just for fun (yes, I do have a weird idea of what constitutes “fun.).

Today’s session was on antisemitism and the shoah (what others refer to as the Holocaust). The portion of the class that hit me as being transgendered is a small piece of research done on survivors.

The research, done by William Kelmreich and entitled Against All Odds, looked at what characteristics survivors shared. They were:

1. Flexibility – as evidenced in the rebuilding and reshaping of their lives after the Shoah.
2. Assertiveness – Survivors are not afraid to tackle new challenges. They feel that they will find ways to get things done. They are not easily discourages by obstacles.
3. Tenacity – Survivors do not readily accept no for an answer.
4. Optimism – Survivors see the glass as half full rather than as half empty. When problems arise, they take the view that things can always be worse.
5. Common sense or “street smarts” – Survivors have the ability to make a quick analysis of a situation and act on this analysis.
6. Moral courage – Survivors derive inner strength from the experience and knowledge of their survival. They have a sense that if they survived the Shoah, they can survive anything. They demonstrate courage in dealing with crisis situations.
7. Defense mechanisms – which consists in the ability to distance themselves from the horrors they experienced, yet they take comfort in bonding with other survivors.
8. Existential urge – Survivors have a strong need to find meaning whether this be in family, work, or religion.

Now, I’m not comparing the horror of the Shoah with being a transsexual, but I do submit that the characteristics are helpful to the transsexual during and after transition. Specifically:

• Having a degree of flexibility to what happens and that we may need to rebuild our lives after transition…either because of losses of family members, our careers, or whatever.
• We also need “selective” assertiveness. We don’t have to necessarily be militant about everything, but we do need to get things done and to not be easily discouraged by obstacles that will be put in our way.
• Being tenacious is a must. Picking oneself up after being ridiculed or fired, or read. Get up and try again and again.
• Being optimistic can help keep us going…even when everything in our lives seems to be going wrong. Believing there is a better future and that we can make it.
• Having “street smarts” can keep us from making huge mistakes and keep us safer. For instance, I’d never go out with a guy I just met at a club.
• Having the moral courage to understand that if we can make it through being transgendered, the rest of life isn’t going to be that hard. After all, if you’ve struggled through transition, with all it entails, why can’t you do just about anything you want. (oh, I’ll never win the U. S. Women’s Open, but you get it).
• Possessing defense mechanisms, such as using humor, can help. As an example, before fully transitioning, a friend from synagogue wanted to meet me for lunch during the week. I told her that was fine, as long as she knew who she was going to be meeting! The ability to not take everything as a personal affront can help…and humor is great…to an extent.
• Finally, finding meaning in life can be helpful. While I may wonder why I’ve experienced what I’ve experienced in life, I make a strong effort to connect with family (those who wish to be a part of my life) and my synagogue.

Anyway, again, just the thoughts of a nutty transsexual.

In 1969, when I was a 7th grader, the song In the Year 2525 was at the top of the charts for six weeks (confession: I googled it to both find the date and number of weeks). I just listened to the song on You Tube. I have to confess that after listening to the lyrics, I almost didn’t write this entry.
The song paints a bleak picture of the future of mankind, looking at the dehumanization of the species. It is really a very haunting song. I’m sure people take different things from it, and that mine is different from what might have been intended.
I believe in evolution. I don’t just mean the kind that says we came from apes or something like that, although my limited understanding of science certainly seems to lean in that direction. I don’t see that belief as being contradictory to the belief that there may be a higher spirit…what many people call G-d (as an aside I don’t write that three letter word. Some Jews decide not to, as an honor to G-d, even though there is no real religious reason not to use the “three letter word” for the creator).
For however long we have been around as a species (I’m not even sure that word is right, as my science in college was a geology course, meaning that I can now tell you when something is a rock…I just can’t identify what type of rock!), we have been evolving from what we have been to what we are becoming.
Some of that is what we call “progress.” Now, instead of killing someone with a spear, we do so with bombs. On the other hand, our prenatal and natal care can now save babies who would have died 100 years ago. We have cures for diseases that would have been deadly 100 years ago, and yet cures for other deadly diseases elude us…and new ones seem to pop up (think AIDS).
Evolving is a mixed bag. The auto provided us with mobility, which translates to many people moving thousands of miles from where their families…and yet a staggering amount of Americans still live within 100 miles from “home.”
I guess that the purpose of this entry is to make an obvious statement: that while we have made progress over the past decade, we still have a ways to go…and that not all the “progress” is necessarily good.
I wonder. In 50 years, will gender constructs be gone? Will most men feel free to spend huge amounts of money to wear stiletto heels with knock out dresses? I doubt it…gender roles may blur a bit, but it seems as if there is some sort of a continuum, with most men on what I would call the masculine side of the teeter-totter, and most women on the feminine side. Some may move towards the middle, but for most of us, we stay on our side.
Do we have more gay and transgendered individuals now than we did 100 years ago? Even 50? 20? I don’t know if that is the case, or if we are just allowed to be more open today.
Does the internet create more transpeople or just allow us to not live in isolation? That is my theory…but I know others would dispute that.
We still live in a society where a boy going to school wearing a dress is likely to come home with bruises or worse. We still live in a society in which EMTs may stop treatment of a transwoman if they discover that she is pre-op. We still live in a society where bumper stickers proclaim that G-d made “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
It is still more dangerous to be gay or lesbian than straight. In many states, it is okay to fire someone based on that basis. In even more states, it is okay to terminate a transperson. We still face the potential of violence from individuals “repulsed” by us. We still face violence by those who are “turned on” by “doing” a “trannie.”
The optimistic part of me wants to believe that we are headed towards the day where ENDA won’t be needed…but since a woman still earns less than her male counterpart, I doubt it is coming soon. The bottom line is that we can have a limited effect on change…and it is up to us to decide if we have the courage (stupidity?) to work to make it happen.
In the meantime, we need to accept ourselves for who we are. As one of my heroes in the T movement says, “say it out loud, I’m T and I’m proud.” Although I’m not proud of being a T (that would be like being proud I’m left handed…I didn’t really have anything to do with it), I am not ashamed of it. I have to be me…as each of us does. I hope for a better world…and I work towards creating the

Although many members of our community may disagree with me, most of the hoops we have to jump through in following the Standards of Care (SOC) are easy compared to the challenges we face in acceptance. I think of acceptance as being like an onion…many layers of acceptance, rather than a banana, with one layer. In fact, it may be like a tootsie pop, but since I have actually never had a tootsie pop (a confession I make with embarrassment) that takes a while to get to the “center.

The first layer, for me, began with the acknowledgement that I am, indeed, a transsexual. I’ve always known I was different…in elementary school I fixated on the words sissy and effeminate in the dictionary…my only real source of information about the topic, since the Encyclopedia Britannica didn’t have any meaningful information. In junior high and high school, I spent time researching “change of sex” in the big green Guides to Periodical Literature books, and spent time in the library stacks reading the very limited information.

Even with that, I didn’t accept the fact that I was (am) a transsexual. Did I want to be a girl? Yes. Did I dream of waking up some morning and discovering that G-d had fixed the “problem between my legs?” Again, the answer is yes. Did it ever occur to me that the problem was between my ears…that I needed to be deprogrammed? No. I knew I was a girl, but I didn’t really accept that was okay. It wasn’t until well into therapy that I was able to admit that, not only was (am) I a transsexual, but that I am okay with that…internally.

The next level of acceptance we seek is from family and friends or from the ability to pass. I know these are really two different levels, but I am not sure which comes first. For some of us, myself included, being able to walk through a mall or try on a cute outfit comes before seeking acceptance from the majority of our friends and family. Having the belief that you won’t “always be read” is important in gaining confidence to go on. It comes in spurts. You may be followed by boys at the mall or giggled at by a group of preteen girls, but at some point you gain a little more confidence and feel a bit more accepted.
On the family and friends side, things get harder. I would guess that most of us have lost some family and friends because of this issue. In my case, my dad can’t accept who I am. His acceptance would be helpful to me, but I need to work through this knowing I won’t get it. Lacking the acceptance of a parent is difficult, and it makes acceptance by others more critical. Some of us are lucky enough, brave enough, or whatever, so that this portion doesn’t bother us. We say that we just go with those who accept us, and screw the rest. In a way, I envy that sort of attitude. I just can’t do it.

In the absence of true acceptance by those in our lives who are important to us, we either find the internal strength and/or find new support. Some of us attend support groups. I’ve never thought of myself as a support group type of girl. For one thing, the closest real group is over an hour and a half away. Second, I rationalize that I have enough friends who accept me, so I don’t need it. The fact that none of those friends know exactly what it is like to be trans doesn’t seem to sink in to me.
After we transition, (warning: this portion deals only with post ops or those living FT), we need to be able to integrate. We must learn to accept ourselves completely. For some this means seeing themselves as women, not as transwomen. For others it means embracing the fact that we are transpeople. What it is, however, is a letting go of what “was” and becoming what “is.” It is embracing the new you, and it is easy for some and more difficult for others.

The bottom line, is that if you don’t come to true acceptance, you will not find happiness…either in transition, not transitioning, having surgery, not having surgery. Acceptance is key. The challenge is that key has to open a lot of doors…and you have to be willing to explore them all…and to be willing to have some of them slammed in your face. In the end, it is worth it…at least it has been for me.

I started writing this entry about a month ago, but other topics came up, and I just put this one on the back burner…now I’m going to refine it a bit.  This week has been one of reflection.  I had a therapy session on Saturday, a special session to address my concerns regarding transition.  I share most of the common herstory of transgendered M2Fs, including that with Mike Penner/Christine Daniels.  That is why her death hit me so hard.

As I’ve written earlier, my dad can’t (won’t?) accept me for who I am.  As long as I present male to him, things are fine, but he doesn’t care to see Tina.  When I complete my transition (hopefully sometime during 2010), that is going to mean he just doesn’t get to see me.  I may try to make one more visit to him before that happens

We face enormous societal challenges by being transgendered, whether we hide it from the world or not.  If, as I did for the first 40+ years of my life, we hide it we face the stress of living in a gender that we are unable to feel completely comfortable with.  Our degree of discomfort can lead to self-destructive behavior, sadness, depression, and even suicide.  If, on the other hand, we select to transition, we face the three R’s of ridicule, rejection, and repulsion.

Okay, so we all have paradigms about what we believe is “normal.”  To a large extent these are based on our own experiences.  As an example, I have a hard time understanding F2Ms.  Why would a woman want to become a man?  I mean, I understand it is the reverse of what I have felt (I am not THAT stupid), but I can’t understand why anyone would want to give up being a woman.  I am sure that there are F2Ms who are puzzled as to why I would want to give up male privilege.  Each of us is seeing things through our own lenses.

As much as most people, I am a slave to the binary gender system.  I like to believe that I’m not, but the reality is that even if I think of gender as a continuum, I feel that people “land” somewhere in that range.  So, if one is basically mostly male, that is where you land…I can’t easily understand how one can be hyper male one day and girly-girl the next.  So, I have trouble understanding gender f##kers.

My point, and I do have one, is that it is difficult to get past our paradigms.  Additionally, if we don’t at least identify and admit that they exist, we will never be able to understand them.  I am now trying to understand the M2F trans-whatever who feels the need to wear fishnet stockings and six inch heels, along with a mini-skirt.  It may not be (it isn’t) my cup of tea (I prefer a long skirt or pants, along with much lower heels and/or flats),   That doesn’t make me “right” or the other person “wrong.”  It simply makes each of us different from each other.

When we try to fit people into the “boxes” we create with our own paradigms, we are doing to them exactly what we don’t like in others who label us as “freaks.”  While I (and others) may wish to just be referred to as being a woman (without the trans), there are others who are proudly transwomen.  Both are okay, but some of us feel more comfortable with being identified by one term.

As Joel Barker, in his book Paradigms: Business of Discovering the Future, points out, our paradigms are valuable to us…an example being a stoplight.  My hope would be that you will stop at a red light…that is my paradigm.  It is when those paradigms are used to make others feel less than…to be made to feel like freaks…that they are bad.  Personally, I believe we need to challenge our paradigms.  While you won’t see me at a drag show (I am uncomfortable with them), I respect those who participate in them and those who attend…even as I am uncomfortable with it.

When I encounter a 50-something cross-dresser who feels the need to wear a mini-skirt, I’ll try to understand that this person is just expressing who s/he wants to be at that moment.  When my father rejects me, I will try to understand that he is a prisoner of his own belief system…and I will love him through the pain.

This entry, like most of mine, is an attempt for me to work through my own issues.  If it is helpful to anyone, that is great…but that isn’t the major point…at least for me.  More later.

In case you haven’t gotten the news, Mike Penner/Christine Daniels died this past week. Reports are that the individual committed suicide. As one who has had friends do the same, I am deeply saddened by the event. What is even more saddening is that we will never be able to put any real meaning to it. We won’t know what caused the individual to take this drastic action.

Two things you should know: 1) Mike/Christine had transitioned, publicly, as a sports reporter for the LA Times before retransitioning this past year; and 2) I have gone through a similar retransition (I am now working my way back to being “me”)  . When you take these two items together, I am not afraid to say that I was deeply shaken by the news.

Several years ago, unemployed and facing the grim reality that my savings were evaporating, I contemplated suicide. In fact, I was committed for observation at a mental health facility for three days (during which time I was able to convince the doctors that I wasn’t suicidal). I got through that episode, which happened less than two years after one of my friends (non T) killed herself by driving her car into the path of a semi.

So, I speak with a little “first hand” knowledge about the subject of suicide…even though I never made a serious effort…unless you call being taken into custody while having written a suicide note and having a noose with me (I have never owned a gun). I am being honest here, even though these memories are terribly painful to me.

What scared me about this recent suicide is that I identify with the individual. I had an unsuccessful transition. Evidently, for whatever reason, so did Mike/Christine. You may note I can’t bring myself to use a pronoun. That is because I can’t use “she” even though the individual was living in male mode at the time of death. And, I can’t use “he” because I don’t know the reason for the retransition.

What I do know is my story. Transitioning and having SRS was not a “mistake” for me. It was the right thing to do. Retransitioning was exceptionally difficult for me, which is why I considered suicide prior to doing it. I felt that, given a choice of suicide or retransitioning that going cross dressing and cross living as a male was the right thing to do.

The suicide “shakes me up” because I can’t help but wonder how much longer I can continue the masquerade. It is becoming increasingly difficult to present as male at work, and living the rest of my life as me. I don’t want to get to the situation where the tension between the two reaches a point where I “snap.”

I am very fortunate in some ways. I have several very loving friends and a cousin who cares about me greatly (I also have a dad who wants nothing to do with Tina, but that is another story). My therapist presented me with a question: if I needed to call someone to help me at 3 in the morning, who would I call? I could think of five people. One lives in Colorado (my cousin), but the other four are near me. I feel blessed. I have promised them that, if I ever feel suicidal again, I’ll call them. They have pledged to help me and to be there to provide whatever support they can.

I do not write this because I am suicidal. Instead I write it to provide hope. I made it through my dark hours…and I continue to. The inspiration should be that we can make it through. I believe life will (and is) getting better. I have faith that I have made the correct decisions in my life. I continue to work to be a better me. I am saddened by the loss, but I’m going to choose to remember a person who had the courage to publicly admit to being transgendered. That is the person I choose to admire.

I don’t know if you have ever woken up in the middle of the night, tried to get out of bed, and felt a little bit unstable…that it takes you a moment to gain balance of your body. I know that I have had that happen…and I see my 16 year old dog taking a couple seconds to gain his balance when he has been sleeping and gets off the couch.

It is important that each of us maintain our balance; before, during and after transition. I have had trouble with this in the past, and I continually have to remind myself to work at keeping that balance. I’m not anywhere near perfect in doing so, but just being aware of the need to do so is helpful.

Before transition, it is easy to get carried away. The incredible feeling that you get when you are finally able to “unleash” the real you can spur you to move quickly. I know I did, telling my college president of my situation and desire to transition before I should have. If I had waited, I’m not sure things would have gone better, but by doing so quickly, I lost my balance…I wasn’t ready for the onslaught that began happening.

In my case, my therapist tried to rein me in, but I “knew” better. While it was natural that I was excited about becoming myself (that may make no sense to a non T), trying to do so at “warp speed” wasn’t very bright. Speed can upset balance.

During transition, being patient and keeping balance is also important. Electrolysis seems to take forever. Again, I wasn’t very bright. I had about 50 hours of electrolysis, but I was “ready” for RLT. No, I really wasn’t. I should have waited until I had the face cleared. Again, I should have tried to balance things. I had limited time and money, but instead of waiting another year, I started RLT. While I may have been ready in some ways, I struggled to keep my balance.

After transition, it is also important to have balance. Throughout the process, I was very vulnerable. When my dad would make comments about the fact that I would never be successful, it cut close to the bone. When my brother ignored me, it hurt. When friends would call me “he” it seemed cruel. I did approach some balance at times, but it was always a struggle. Sometimes a person could make a comment and it wouldn’t bother me at all. The next day, the same comment would be devastating.

Balance means a lot of things. It means having a number of friends and not relying on any one of them to make you happy or to “buck you up.” It means having various interests, so that if you decide one group isn’t “right” for you, there are other interests. For example, I love my dog more than anything in the world. Those are strong words, but he is so important to me.

He is 16, which means that he won’t be with me forever. And, since he is a “joint custody” dog, I only get him about half of the time. When he is no longer with me, I am sure I will be devastated. If I allow him to be my life, to the exclusion of others, I will be truly lost. I know that I will be sad when he leaves this earth…he has been part of my lofe for over 15 of those years…got him when he was seven months old. Still, I need to keep my balance.

A seminar I went to a number of years ago talked about “dancing in the moment.” That was an alien concept to me at the time. Even now I struggle with it. To me it means to enjoy the time right now and not be so worried about the future that you miss out on the enjoyment of the moment. Keeping my balance…between worrying about the future and not being aware how my decisions impact it, from enjoying my dog to being prepared for a life without him…those balances are critical to me.

Doing it, however is the challenge.

Family relationships are complicated, at least in my family. I have one brother, three years older than me. My father turned 80 in March. My mom died in 1983, my father remarried a few years after that, so I have a sort of stepmother. I also have a very sweet uncle (my dad’s older brother) who was with me during my surgery and is very supportive of me. My father, on the other hand isn’t supportive of my “bad decision.”

He has recently become aware of my decision to live my life as Tina, after pretending for a couple of years that I could be his son. He has made me aware that: 1) he knows, 2) he doesn’t understand, and 3) “Tina” is not welcome to visit him.

Okay, the theme this week is on something that I consider to be a part of Judaism…although would submit it is probably a part of any “good religion.” In the past couple of weeks we have seen the Ft. Hood attack and an individual going to a former employer in Florida and opening fire. Hatred of others, whether through religious extremism or based on a long-term grudge, have ended the lives of many people. In that same two week period, I am certain that murders have occurred in probably most of the states in our country. We seem to be a very violent society.

As Jews, we remember the violence that occurred in what is known as Kristallnacht, on November 9-10, 1938…some 71 years ago this week. Violence and hatred seem to be alive and well…raising the question: have we progressed? The answer to that is complicated. In some ways we have. The dialogue about gay marriage and expansion of hate crimes legislation would not have been discussed even thirty years ago.

And yet, hatred seems to be alive and well…and at times it appears to be overwhelming us. When we have “men of the cloth” blaming natural disasters on the wrath of G-d on our society due to our “sins”, when individuals feel they are doing “G-ds will” by murdering doctors providing legal abortion procedures, and when gender variant individuals are murdered, it appears that hatred and violence are “winning.”

What is the alternative? How do we “beat” hatred? The answer, in my view, was articulated by my congregations Rabbi this past Friday evening. What we can do is to love and heal the world. This seems like a daunting (impossible?) task, but it is really our only option…unless we want to escalate the violence.

It isn’t easy to do this, and I’m not trying to simplify things. The world is a complicated place. It is not always (often?) easy to love others. Still, it is worth the effort. In my transition, I am going to try to remember this…that although love may not have the strength to overcome hatred, it is the best option I have.

So, I will love my father, even as he rejects who I am. I will work at expressing love in all aspects of my life…from the person who gets my order wrong at McDonald’s to the individuals who insist on calling me “he.” I will work on loving the student who is irate, and the faculty member who sends me a nasty email. I will not be perfect (none of us are), but I will make the effort.

I do not wear rose colored glasses. I am under no illusion that my love will overcome hatred or stop violence. I do, however, believe it is what we can do…and if each of us provides enough love to the world, it will at least make a difference…it already does. We won’t eliminate hatred and violence…it seems that will be with us forever, but we can make progress.

I used to like the phrase “love conquers all.” Now I don’t, because I don’t believe that love “conquers.” That seems warlike to me. I do believe that love is “powerful in a gentle way.” Anyway, love is my way of working to heal the world.

Until next time