Gender-ID Blog

I just got home from my Intro. to Judaism class. For those of you unaware, I converted to Judaism at about the same time I initially began transition (leading my Jewish friends to comment…what being transgendered isn’t enough of a burden for you?). Anyway, I am retaking the class, just for fun (yes, I do have a weird idea of what constitutes “fun.).

Today’s session was on antisemitism and the shoah (what others refer to as the Holocaust). The portion of the class that hit me as being transgendered is a small piece of research done on survivors.

The research, done by William Kelmreich and entitled Against All Odds, looked at what characteristics survivors shared. They were:

1. Flexibility – as evidenced in the rebuilding and reshaping of their lives after the Shoah.
2. Assertiveness – Survivors are not afraid to tackle new challenges. They feel that they will find ways to get things done. They are not easily discourages by obstacles.
3. Tenacity – Survivors do not readily accept no for an answer.
4. Optimism – Survivors see the glass as half full rather than as half empty. When problems arise, they take the view that things can always be worse.
5. Common sense or “street smarts” – Survivors have the ability to make a quick analysis of a situation and act on this analysis.
6. Moral courage – Survivors derive inner strength from the experience and knowledge of their survival. They have a sense that if they survived the Shoah, they can survive anything. They demonstrate courage in dealing with crisis situations.
7. Defense mechanisms – which consists in the ability to distance themselves from the horrors they experienced, yet they take comfort in bonding with other survivors.
8. Existential urge – Survivors have a strong need to find meaning whether this be in family, work, or religion.

Now, I’m not comparing the horror of the Shoah with being a transsexual, but I do submit that the characteristics are helpful to the transsexual during and after transition. Specifically:

• Having a degree of flexibility to what happens and that we may need to rebuild our lives after transition…either because of losses of family members, our careers, or whatever.
• We also need “selective” assertiveness. We don’t have to necessarily be militant about everything, but we do need to get things done and to not be easily discouraged by obstacles that will be put in our way.
• Being tenacious is a must. Picking oneself up after being ridiculed or fired, or read. Get up and try again and again.
• Being optimistic can help keep us going…even when everything in our lives seems to be going wrong. Believing there is a better future and that we can make it.
• Having “street smarts” can keep us from making huge mistakes and keep us safer. For instance, I’d never go out with a guy I just met at a club.
• Having the moral courage to understand that if we can make it through being transgendered, the rest of life isn’t going to be that hard. After all, if you’ve struggled through transition, with all it entails, why can’t you do just about anything you want. (oh, I’ll never win the U. S. Women’s Open, but you get it).
• Possessing defense mechanisms, such as using humor, can help. As an example, before fully transitioning, a friend from synagogue wanted to meet me for lunch during the week. I told her that was fine, as long as she knew who she was going to be meeting! The ability to not take everything as a personal affront can help…and humor is great…to an extent.
• Finally, finding meaning in life can be helpful. While I may wonder why I’ve experienced what I’ve experienced in life, I make a strong effort to connect with family (those who wish to be a part of my life) and my synagogue.

Anyway, again, just the thoughts of a nutty transsexual.

In 1969, when I was a 7th grader, the song In the Year 2525 was at the top of the charts for six weeks (confession: I googled it to both find the date and number of weeks). I just listened to the song on You Tube. I have to confess that after listening to the lyrics, I almost didn’t write this entry.
The song paints a bleak picture of the future of mankind, looking at the dehumanization of the species. It is really a very haunting song. I’m sure people take different things from it, and that mine is different from what might have been intended.
I believe in evolution. I don’t just mean the kind that says we came from apes or something like that, although my limited understanding of science certainly seems to lean in that direction. I don’t see that belief as being contradictory to the belief that there may be a higher spirit…what many people call G-d (as an aside I don’t write that three letter word. Some Jews decide not to, as an honor to G-d, even though there is no real religious reason not to use the “three letter word” for the creator).
For however long we have been around as a species (I’m not even sure that word is right, as my science in college was a geology course, meaning that I can now tell you when something is a rock…I just can’t identify what type of rock!), we have been evolving from what we have been to what we are becoming.
Some of that is what we call “progress.” Now, instead of killing someone with a spear, we do so with bombs. On the other hand, our prenatal and natal care can now save babies who would have died 100 years ago. We have cures for diseases that would have been deadly 100 years ago, and yet cures for other deadly diseases elude us…and new ones seem to pop up (think AIDS).
Evolving is a mixed bag. The auto provided us with mobility, which translates to many people moving thousands of miles from where their families…and yet a staggering amount of Americans still live within 100 miles from “home.”
I guess that the purpose of this entry is to make an obvious statement: that while we have made progress over the past decade, we still have a ways to go…and that not all the “progress” is necessarily good.
I wonder. In 50 years, will gender constructs be gone? Will most men feel free to spend huge amounts of money to wear stiletto heels with knock out dresses? I doubt it…gender roles may blur a bit, but it seems as if there is some sort of a continuum, with most men on what I would call the masculine side of the teeter-totter, and most women on the feminine side. Some may move towards the middle, but for most of us, we stay on our side.
Do we have more gay and transgendered individuals now than we did 100 years ago? Even 50? 20? I don’t know if that is the case, or if we are just allowed to be more open today.
Does the internet create more transpeople or just allow us to not live in isolation? That is my theory…but I know others would dispute that.
We still live in a society where a boy going to school wearing a dress is likely to come home with bruises or worse. We still live in a society in which EMTs may stop treatment of a transwoman if they discover that she is pre-op. We still live in a society where bumper stickers proclaim that G-d made “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
It is still more dangerous to be gay or lesbian than straight. In many states, it is okay to fire someone based on that basis. In even more states, it is okay to terminate a transperson. We still face the potential of violence from individuals “repulsed” by us. We still face violence by those who are “turned on” by “doing” a “trannie.”
The optimistic part of me wants to believe that we are headed towards the day where ENDA won’t be needed…but since a woman still earns less than her male counterpart, I doubt it is coming soon. The bottom line is that we can have a limited effect on change…and it is up to us to decide if we have the courage (stupidity?) to work to make it happen.
In the meantime, we need to accept ourselves for who we are. As one of my heroes in the T movement says, “say it out loud, I’m T and I’m proud.” Although I’m not proud of being a T (that would be like being proud I’m left handed…I didn’t really have anything to do with it), I am not ashamed of it. I have to be me…as each of us does. I hope for a better world…and I work towards creating the

Although many members of our community may disagree with me, most of the hoops we have to jump through in following the Standards of Care (SOC) are easy compared to the challenges we face in acceptance. I think of acceptance as being like an onion…many layers of acceptance, rather than a banana, with one layer. In fact, it may be like a tootsie pop, but since I have actually never had a tootsie pop (a confession I make with embarrassment) that takes a while to get to the “center.

The first layer, for me, began with the acknowledgement that I am, indeed, a transsexual. I’ve always known I was different…in elementary school I fixated on the words sissy and effeminate in the dictionary…my only real source of information about the topic, since the Encyclopedia Britannica didn’t have any meaningful information. In junior high and high school, I spent time researching “change of sex” in the big green Guides to Periodical Literature books, and spent time in the library stacks reading the very limited information.

Even with that, I didn’t accept the fact that I was (am) a transsexual. Did I want to be a girl? Yes. Did I dream of waking up some morning and discovering that G-d had fixed the “problem between my legs?” Again, the answer is yes. Did it ever occur to me that the problem was between my ears…that I needed to be deprogrammed? No. I knew I was a girl, but I didn’t really accept that was okay. It wasn’t until well into therapy that I was able to admit that, not only was (am) I a transsexual, but that I am okay with that…internally.

The next level of acceptance we seek is from family and friends or from the ability to pass. I know these are really two different levels, but I am not sure which comes first. For some of us, myself included, being able to walk through a mall or try on a cute outfit comes before seeking acceptance from the majority of our friends and family. Having the belief that you won’t “always be read” is important in gaining confidence to go on. It comes in spurts. You may be followed by boys at the mall or giggled at by a group of preteen girls, but at some point you gain a little more confidence and feel a bit more accepted.
On the family and friends side, things get harder. I would guess that most of us have lost some family and friends because of this issue. In my case, my dad can’t accept who I am. His acceptance would be helpful to me, but I need to work through this knowing I won’t get it. Lacking the acceptance of a parent is difficult, and it makes acceptance by others more critical. Some of us are lucky enough, brave enough, or whatever, so that this portion doesn’t bother us. We say that we just go with those who accept us, and screw the rest. In a way, I envy that sort of attitude. I just can’t do it.

In the absence of true acceptance by those in our lives who are important to us, we either find the internal strength and/or find new support. Some of us attend support groups. I’ve never thought of myself as a support group type of girl. For one thing, the closest real group is over an hour and a half away. Second, I rationalize that I have enough friends who accept me, so I don’t need it. The fact that none of those friends know exactly what it is like to be trans doesn’t seem to sink in to me.
After we transition, (warning: this portion deals only with post ops or those living FT), we need to be able to integrate. We must learn to accept ourselves completely. For some this means seeing themselves as women, not as transwomen. For others it means embracing the fact that we are transpeople. What it is, however, is a letting go of what “was” and becoming what “is.” It is embracing the new you, and it is easy for some and more difficult for others.

The bottom line, is that if you don’t come to true acceptance, you will not find happiness…either in transition, not transitioning, having surgery, not having surgery. Acceptance is key. The challenge is that key has to open a lot of doors…and you have to be willing to explore them all…and to be willing to have some of them slammed in your face. In the end, it is worth it…at least it has been for me.

I started writing this entry about a month ago, but other topics came up, and I just put this one on the back burner…now I’m going to refine it a bit.  This week has been one of reflection.  I had a therapy session on Saturday, a special session to address my concerns regarding transition.  I share most of the common herstory of transgendered M2Fs, including that with Mike Penner/Christine Daniels.  That is why her death hit me so hard.

As I’ve written earlier, my dad can’t (won’t?) accept me for who I am.  As long as I present male to him, things are fine, but he doesn’t care to see Tina.  When I complete my transition (hopefully sometime during 2010), that is going to mean he just doesn’t get to see me.  I may try to make one more visit to him before that happens

We face enormous societal challenges by being transgendered, whether we hide it from the world or not.  If, as I did for the first 40+ years of my life, we hide it we face the stress of living in a gender that we are unable to feel completely comfortable with.  Our degree of discomfort can lead to self-destructive behavior, sadness, depression, and even suicide.  If, on the other hand, we select to transition, we face the three R’s of ridicule, rejection, and repulsion.

Okay, so we all have paradigms about what we believe is “normal.”  To a large extent these are based on our own experiences.  As an example, I have a hard time understanding F2Ms.  Why would a woman want to become a man?  I mean, I understand it is the reverse of what I have felt (I am not THAT stupid), but I can’t understand why anyone would want to give up being a woman.  I am sure that there are F2Ms who are puzzled as to why I would want to give up male privilege.  Each of us is seeing things through our own lenses.

As much as most people, I am a slave to the binary gender system.  I like to believe that I’m not, but the reality is that even if I think of gender as a continuum, I feel that people “land” somewhere in that range.  So, if one is basically mostly male, that is where you land…I can’t easily understand how one can be hyper male one day and girly-girl the next.  So, I have trouble understanding gender f##kers.

My point, and I do have one, is that it is difficult to get past our paradigms.  Additionally, if we don’t at least identify and admit that they exist, we will never be able to understand them.  I am now trying to understand the M2F trans-whatever who feels the need to wear fishnet stockings and six inch heels, along with a mini-skirt.  It may not be (it isn’t) my cup of tea (I prefer a long skirt or pants, along with much lower heels and/or flats),   That doesn’t make me “right” or the other person “wrong.”  It simply makes each of us different from each other.

When we try to fit people into the “boxes” we create with our own paradigms, we are doing to them exactly what we don’t like in others who label us as “freaks.”  While I (and others) may wish to just be referred to as being a woman (without the trans), there are others who are proudly transwomen.  Both are okay, but some of us feel more comfortable with being identified by one term.

As Joel Barker, in his book Paradigms: Business of Discovering the Future, points out, our paradigms are valuable to us…an example being a stoplight.  My hope would be that you will stop at a red light…that is my paradigm.  It is when those paradigms are used to make others feel less than…to be made to feel like freaks…that they are bad.  Personally, I believe we need to challenge our paradigms.  While you won’t see me at a drag show (I am uncomfortable with them), I respect those who participate in them and those who attend…even as I am uncomfortable with it.

When I encounter a 50-something cross-dresser who feels the need to wear a mini-skirt, I’ll try to understand that this person is just expressing who s/he wants to be at that moment.  When my father rejects me, I will try to understand that he is a prisoner of his own belief system…and I will love him through the pain.

This entry, like most of mine, is an attempt for me to work through my own issues.  If it is helpful to anyone, that is great…but that isn’t the major point…at least for me.  More later.

In case you haven’t gotten the news, Mike Penner/Christine Daniels died this past week. Reports are that the individual committed suicide. As one who has had friends do the same, I am deeply saddened by the event. What is even more saddening is that we will never be able to put any real meaning to it. We won’t know what caused the individual to take this drastic action.

Two things you should know: 1) Mike/Christine had transitioned, publicly, as a sports reporter for the LA Times before retransitioning this past year; and 2) I have gone through a similar retransition (I am now working my way back to being “me”)  . When you take these two items together, I am not afraid to say that I was deeply shaken by the news.

Several years ago, unemployed and facing the grim reality that my savings were evaporating, I contemplated suicide. In fact, I was committed for observation at a mental health facility for three days (during which time I was able to convince the doctors that I wasn’t suicidal). I got through that episode, which happened less than two years after one of my friends (non T) killed herself by driving her car into the path of a semi.

So, I speak with a little “first hand” knowledge about the subject of suicide…even though I never made a serious effort…unless you call being taken into custody while having written a suicide note and having a noose with me (I have never owned a gun). I am being honest here, even though these memories are terribly painful to me.

What scared me about this recent suicide is that I identify with the individual. I had an unsuccessful transition. Evidently, for whatever reason, so did Mike/Christine. You may note I can’t bring myself to use a pronoun. That is because I can’t use “she” even though the individual was living in male mode at the time of death. And, I can’t use “he” because I don’t know the reason for the retransition.

What I do know is my story. Transitioning and having SRS was not a “mistake” for me. It was the right thing to do. Retransitioning was exceptionally difficult for me, which is why I considered suicide prior to doing it. I felt that, given a choice of suicide or retransitioning that going cross dressing and cross living as a male was the right thing to do.

The suicide “shakes me up” because I can’t help but wonder how much longer I can continue the masquerade. It is becoming increasingly difficult to present as male at work, and living the rest of my life as me. I don’t want to get to the situation where the tension between the two reaches a point where I “snap.”

I am very fortunate in some ways. I have several very loving friends and a cousin who cares about me greatly (I also have a dad who wants nothing to do with Tina, but that is another story). My therapist presented me with a question: if I needed to call someone to help me at 3 in the morning, who would I call? I could think of five people. One lives in Colorado (my cousin), but the other four are near me. I feel blessed. I have promised them that, if I ever feel suicidal again, I’ll call them. They have pledged to help me and to be there to provide whatever support they can.

I do not write this because I am suicidal. Instead I write it to provide hope. I made it through my dark hours…and I continue to. The inspiration should be that we can make it through. I believe life will (and is) getting better. I have faith that I have made the correct decisions in my life. I continue to work to be a better me. I am saddened by the loss, but I’m going to choose to remember a person who had the courage to publicly admit to being transgendered. That is the person I choose to admire.

I don’t know if you have ever woken up in the middle of the night, tried to get out of bed, and felt a little bit unstable…that it takes you a moment to gain balance of your body. I know that I have had that happen…and I see my 16 year old dog taking a couple seconds to gain his balance when he has been sleeping and gets off the couch.

It is important that each of us maintain our balance; before, during and after transition. I have had trouble with this in the past, and I continually have to remind myself to work at keeping that balance. I’m not anywhere near perfect in doing so, but just being aware of the need to do so is helpful.

Before transition, it is easy to get carried away. The incredible feeling that you get when you are finally able to “unleash” the real you can spur you to move quickly. I know I did, telling my college president of my situation and desire to transition before I should have. If I had waited, I’m not sure things would have gone better, but by doing so quickly, I lost my balance…I wasn’t ready for the onslaught that began happening.

In my case, my therapist tried to rein me in, but I “knew” better. While it was natural that I was excited about becoming myself (that may make no sense to a non T), trying to do so at “warp speed” wasn’t very bright. Speed can upset balance.

During transition, being patient and keeping balance is also important. Electrolysis seems to take forever. Again, I wasn’t very bright. I had about 50 hours of electrolysis, but I was “ready” for RLT. No, I really wasn’t. I should have waited until I had the face cleared. Again, I should have tried to balance things. I had limited time and money, but instead of waiting another year, I started RLT. While I may have been ready in some ways, I struggled to keep my balance.

After transition, it is also important to have balance. Throughout the process, I was very vulnerable. When my dad would make comments about the fact that I would never be successful, it cut close to the bone. When my brother ignored me, it hurt. When friends would call me “he” it seemed cruel. I did approach some balance at times, but it was always a struggle. Sometimes a person could make a comment and it wouldn’t bother me at all. The next day, the same comment would be devastating.

Balance means a lot of things. It means having a number of friends and not relying on any one of them to make you happy or to “buck you up.” It means having various interests, so that if you decide one group isn’t “right” for you, there are other interests. For example, I love my dog more than anything in the world. Those are strong words, but he is so important to me.

He is 16, which means that he won’t be with me forever. And, since he is a “joint custody” dog, I only get him about half of the time. When he is no longer with me, I am sure I will be devastated. If I allow him to be my life, to the exclusion of others, I will be truly lost. I know that I will be sad when he leaves this earth…he has been part of my lofe for over 15 of those years…got him when he was seven months old. Still, I need to keep my balance.

A seminar I went to a number of years ago talked about “dancing in the moment.” That was an alien concept to me at the time. Even now I struggle with it. To me it means to enjoy the time right now and not be so worried about the future that you miss out on the enjoyment of the moment. Keeping my balance…between worrying about the future and not being aware how my decisions impact it, from enjoying my dog to being prepared for a life without him…those balances are critical to me.

Doing it, however is the challenge.

Family relationships are complicated, at least in my family. I have one brother, three years older than me. My father turned 80 in March. My mom died in 1983, my father remarried a few years after that, so I have a sort of stepmother. I also have a very sweet uncle (my dad’s older brother) who was with me during my surgery and is very supportive of me. My father, on the other hand isn’t supportive of my “bad decision.”

He has recently become aware of my decision to live my life as Tina, after pretending for a couple of years that I could be his son. He has made me aware that: 1) he knows, 2) he doesn’t understand, and 3) “Tina” is not welcome to visit him.

Okay, the theme this week is on something that I consider to be a part of Judaism…although would submit it is probably a part of any “good religion.” In the past couple of weeks we have seen the Ft. Hood attack and an individual going to a former employer in Florida and opening fire. Hatred of others, whether through religious extremism or based on a long-term grudge, have ended the lives of many people. In that same two week period, I am certain that murders have occurred in probably most of the states in our country. We seem to be a very violent society.

As Jews, we remember the violence that occurred in what is known as Kristallnacht, on November 9-10, 1938…some 71 years ago this week. Violence and hatred seem to be alive and well…raising the question: have we progressed? The answer to that is complicated. In some ways we have. The dialogue about gay marriage and expansion of hate crimes legislation would not have been discussed even thirty years ago.

And yet, hatred seems to be alive and well…and at times it appears to be overwhelming us. When we have “men of the cloth” blaming natural disasters on the wrath of G-d on our society due to our “sins”, when individuals feel they are doing “G-ds will” by murdering doctors providing legal abortion procedures, and when gender variant individuals are murdered, it appears that hatred and violence are “winning.”

What is the alternative? How do we “beat” hatred? The answer, in my view, was articulated by my congregations Rabbi this past Friday evening. What we can do is to love and heal the world. This seems like a daunting (impossible?) task, but it is really our only option…unless we want to escalate the violence.

It isn’t easy to do this, and I’m not trying to simplify things. The world is a complicated place. It is not always (often?) easy to love others. Still, it is worth the effort. In my transition, I am going to try to remember this…that although love may not have the strength to overcome hatred, it is the best option I have.

So, I will love my father, even as he rejects who I am. I will work at expressing love in all aspects of my life…from the person who gets my order wrong at McDonald’s to the individuals who insist on calling me “he.” I will work on loving the student who is irate, and the faculty member who sends me a nasty email. I will not be perfect (none of us are), but I will make the effort.

I do not wear rose colored glasses. I am under no illusion that my love will overcome hatred or stop violence. I do, however, believe it is what we can do…and if each of us provides enough love to the world, it will at least make a difference…it already does. We won’t eliminate hatred and violence…it seems that will be with us forever, but we can make progress.

I used to like the phrase “love conquers all.” Now I don’t, because I don’t believe that love “conquers.” That seems warlike to me. I do believe that love is “powerful in a gentle way.” Anyway, love is my way of working to heal the world.

Until next time

I’ve been reading two books that my favorite cousin recommended. I haven’t finished either, as instead of attempting to devour them, I am seeking to savor them. So, it may be another week or so before I’ve completed them. One is The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney and the other is The Five Love Languages (I’m reading the singles edition) by Gary Chapman.

It is curious that I am reading them simultaneously, as it seems that I have come upon something I (and you) know: that we are complex individuals with many complex layers. As we attempt to successfully grapple with our “gender issues”, we also face all of the other challenges of the world.

Let me deal with the love book first. The essence is that there are five distinct ways we can give and receive love. Chapman calls these five “languages.” Each of us, he asserts, has a predominant language we “speak.” The five languages are: words of affirmation; gifts; acts of service; quality time; and physical touch.

What is interesting to me it that the language I wish people to speak to me is primarily through physical touch. My strong second and third languages are quality time and acts of service (such as spending time with a friend working at a soup kitchen or a congregational rummage sale). Words of affirmation and gifts are less important to me…unless they also include one of my primary languages.

For example, if one of my friends has dinner with me on my birthday and gets me a gift of a Star of David for me to wear around my neck (I have about seven of them, but I am always looking for more), it is a gift, but I see it primarily as quality time. If they also give me a hug, they have hit three of my languages. Another example is my cousin. When we met in Chicago a few weeks ago, she gave me a small gift (a bar of lavender soap). The gift wasn’t really important by itself, but it was part of us spending an afternoon together, and of course I got some hugs from her.

I believe that is why I enjoy being with animals so much. Dogs (and some cats!) provide me with the physical touch that I crave. Since I live alone and don’t currently have a domestic (or a wild!) partner, I don’t get daily touches, unless it is a week when I have my dog (the sixteen year old wonder dog!). I get down on those weeks when he isn’t here, as I miss the opportunity to just lay in bed next to him. He isn’t human, but that doesn’t seem to matter. He accepts me, and he accepts my love.

Okay, on to the introvert book. I am a fairly strong closet introvert. People who really know me seem to get that, but everyone else thinks I am an extrovert. That is because I try to be an extrovert…because that seems to be what society rewards (at least US society). When you overlay being an introvert on top of craving physical touch, and being a transsexual…well you get the picture that it becomes increasingly perplexing and complicated.

I’ve already gotten some moments from the book where I’m able to understand why I do certain things…like why I am so drained after a party with lots of people, or why after a dinner with more than six people, I feel the need to have some alone time to recharge my battery. I’ve felt guilty about that, felt that I was anti-social, or just bad. The reality is that being with lots of people for a prolonged period of time drains my emotional energy. An example is meetings at work. Three times a year we have two-day meetings with 10-12 people. At the end of the first day, we are expected to have dinner as a group. All I want to do is to go to the nearest Subway, have a sandwich and enjoy reading whatever book I am currently interested in.

Bottom line: we are all (transsexual or not) complicated people. We have many things overlaying each other. As an introvert, I have a hard time dealing with a multitude of things at the same time, so I try to compartmentalize. Saturday (sometimes Friday) is zapping day. Friday (sometimes Saturday, sometimes Sunday) is my day to blog. Anytime is a good time to journal or read, as those are calming, affirming things for me…it is as if the book is replacing the physical touch I crave. And, of course, any day is a good day to email a friend and express my love in whatever way I can, or to call a friend just to say hi.

Enough for now.

Sometimes I wonder where my blog ideas come from. I mean, obviously they come from my real life experiences, but why a specific blog topic at a certain time? The topic for this week came to me on the way home from work today. It is the end of a fairly stressful week. I’ve started an anti-depressant (Lexapro) after visiting with my endo. I haven’t been feeling 100%, and in fact felt like staying home from work on Thursday (felt emotionally spent), but I didn’t.

Anyway, the topic is shame and guilt. As I was growing up, I felt great shame that I had feelings that I wanted to be a girl. I was caught with my mom’s clothes on a couple occasions, and the shame I felt when my father asked why I did it was great. I lied, because even I didn’t know why at that point in time…it being the mid 60s.

That shame stayed with me until about 2000, when I finally decided that it was okay to be who I am. Yes, it wasn’t “normal” to the “average” person, but it was (and is) who I am. I don’t think I truly got over the shame until I admitted that I was a transsexual.

I remember clearly being in my therapist office when she asked me to complete the following sentence, “If I am a transsexual that means…” My answer was that my life was over. That is truly how I felt at the time. I still felt shame as I went through purges in the 70s, 80s, and 90s. Shame, along with guilt, keeps you from acceptance (I hope acceptance is a topic I’ll cover in the near future, but I can’t predict that!).

Guilt is another issue. I felt guilty because I married a woman without telling her the truth. Never mind that I didn’t “know” I was a transsexual…I still felt terrible guilt about putting her through all this. And, like most people in such a situation, she had great anger towards me. She eventually has accepted me (to an extent), and now that we are divorced, she is dating.

I also feel guilt from my father. He is terribly ashamed of me. He doesn’t want a daughter, he wants me to accept and be his son. He turned 80 last March, and I feel guilty putting him through this. I started my current job in male mode (I still am, even though I am a six years post-op woman), and now I am inquiring about transitioning at work. I feel guilty about not being upfront with them…although I doubt I would have been offered the position as Tina.

I feel guilt for having retransitioned and not having had the courage to stick it out the first time. Fear is a powerful thing. I’ve never been homeless, but I’ve faced the possibility of bankruptcy. I’ve never gone hungry, but I have had times when it has been tight.

I feel guilt for not being a vocal part of making things better. Yes, I am a member of Equality Illinois. Yes, I write my congressmen. Yes, I write a blog. I don’t, however, speak out in my community. I am fearful of the repercussions, and so I remain silent. And I feel guilty for doing so.

My point is that guilt keeps me from being happy. I have to let go of the guilt I feel. One way is to be more active in the community. Another is to celebrate the fact that my ex is dating, and truly hope she finds someone special in her life. And, I have to give myself a break and not feel guilty about those things I have done in the past.

It is easy to say that, but hard to do. If I could come up with a magic potion that would rid people of guilt, it probably wouldn’t be a good thing. Guilt has a place in our lives, if only to keep us from doing things that we know are wrong. The problem is when we carry that guild around as if it is a ton of bricks. When we hold on to guilt it keeps us from acceptance and love.

Getting over that guilt, actually facing it squarely in the eye and saying “I don’t feel guilty for being me,” isn’t an easy thing to do (at least for me). I feel like I am finally at that point, where I am going to forgive myself for the hurt I have caused in the past…to others, and to myself. I am also at the point of accepting that others may attempt to make me feel guilty, but that I do not have to accept that guilt. Their perceptions and beliefs are just that…I don’t have to let it make me feel guilty.

That is my story…and I’m sticking to it!

I work for a small, not-for-profit university located in Iowa. I don’t actually work at the campus, but rather at one of our off site centers, where I am involved in budgeting, faculty selection, scheduling, marketing, etc. Overall, we have fewer than 7,000 students, about 900 of those at our main campus, the rest taking classes either at our centers, online, or at overseas locations.

As it has become apparent that I “need” to transition (I put the quotations on there for people who would quibble that I don’t really need to do this…that it is a choice I’m making…that is true, just as it is true that each of us “choose” whether or not we wish to breathe.). So, basically I had to decide the “how to” of transitioning. There is the reason for my previous blog on transitioning in place vs. finding a new job.

As my timeline for transitioning kept shortening (starting at seven years, quickly decreasing…first to five, then to two) it became apparent that I either need to find out the probability of a successful transition at my current employer. If the “odds” are against me, it would be best for all concerned it I just moved on.

So, my therapist and I decided we would test the waters. Actually I suggested that she contact an individual at my institution saying she had “a client” who was dealing with the issue. That initial conversation was somewhat short. The individual she called is a woman, a vice president, and is pretty sharp. She also has a pretty good feel for the university.

The conversation, which I of course was not privy to, went something like this (the responses from the VP are in italics…okay, the italics didn’t come through, but you are all smart enough to figure it out!):

“I have a client who is dealing with transgender issues.”

“Boy, that is a tough one.”
“We follow the law.”
Now I am sure there was more to the conversation, but that was basically it. There are a lot of ways to dissect the conversation. The first comment shows an honesty that is somewhat refreshing. Yes, it is a tough one. Even not knowing who the person was, the VP was able to “bottom line” it in one sentence.

The second comment is the one that worries me, because it can be taken in many different ways. First, I am lucky to live in Illinois…a state that, as part of our Human Rights Act, protects transgender individuals from being fired for being…transgendered. So, from a practical standpoint, I can transition at any point and there is nothing they can do to stop me…including terminating me. On the other hand, they can find other methods to get rid of me…my performance could start to slip in their estimation; they could change my goals, etc. I am aware that may happen.
There is no single “right” way to come out to your employer. There are, of course, ways that are less “right.” Coming to the holiday party in your LBD (assuming you are an M2F) isn’t probably the best way to let them know. Neither is being seen at the Gay Pride Parade (although this possibility isn’t great…and if your boss is also in the parade, I guess it could be a good thing!).

In my case, we decided that I would contact the VP myself. I wasn’t sure how my boss would react, and since she has the office next to him, I figured she would be a good place to start. Plus, she had been honest with my therapist (boy, that is a tough one). So, I emailed her, she gave me her cell phone number and we chatted on a Monday night for about 45 minutes. She encouraged me to talk to my boss…that he would be supportive and understanding.

So, I called my boss the next day (Tuesday) and asked that we meet…I picked a “neutral location,” a Starbucks. He was confused as to why I didn’t want him to come to my location, but I just said that I would prefer to meet somewhere else. In my particular situation, I wanted to meet in a place where we could talk without others wondering what was going on.

We talked for about two hours. Interestingly enough, he has had experience with this issue before. While at a company in the 80s, an individual he worked out with transitioned (an M2F). And, at the university, he had a part-time instructor who was an F2M (that one didn’t go real well). So, he has some familiarity with the issue. Morale to that is the person you talk to may have more knowledge than you think, hopefully not from watching Jerry Springer! (and if the person says, oh, I know all about that, my wife made me go to a drag show when we were in Las Vegas, you should start to worry!).

Involving HR is a good place for most people to start, unless you are like us. We don’t actually have an HR director….merely a couple benefits/payroll people. Involving your EE officer(s) is also a good idea. Having support and advice from others who have transitioned before you, wherever they are in the country, is also a good idea. The one caveat I would give you is that each situation is slightly different.

You know your organization better than anyone outside can. So take everything and filter it through your own beliefs about things. Also, don’t let the past be the only influence on how you believe things will go in the future. I had an unsuccessful transition seven years ago at a community college. I was lied to by my employer. It is easy for me to take the distrust I have coming out of that situation and extend it to this one. What I should do is to try learning from the past, but not be wedded to it. That means being alert for signs that something bad is happening again (meaning among other things to listen to what the grapevine is saying, even if it may not be totally accurate).

If you asked me, I’d say chances of a successful transition “in place” is about 50/50. That may go up or down as we proceed. Whatever, I would suggest that caution is taken in planning the transition, but tempering that with the “fact” that only you know how desperately you need to transition (and if you don’t need to desperately, you might want to question whether you actually should transition…in my humble opinion.

More later.