Rachel

I thought I’d use the convenience of my Blog to share some thoughts prior to my upcoming surgery in November; it’s basically 2 weeks from now.

Essentially, I’m undergoing this procedure to further line-up my internalized perception of self as female and further negate the external realization of a male XY chromosomal heritage.

Admittedly, there’s a certain degree of vanity tied up in all this. I mean, legally, I’m already defined as female courtesy of the SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) I underwent over a year ago.

So, by submitting myself to FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) and breast augmentation will I become more female? Well, in some ways, the answer is, yes. Basically what I see/what I hope is that the surgical procedures will heighten the perceptions of others around me to help them identify me as female.

I understand and agree that self-perception is all important and that I shouldn’t allow what others see to define me. Nonetheless, no man/ no woman is an island. For example, an African-American is truly equal to any other race. Yet, unless society provides the means and respect for that person to accomplish his or her goals all that internalized strength of character will fail to find expression outside the role of martyr.

Frankly, I’m hoping to avoid the whole idea of martyr for myself. November is the month we honor those of us who have been killed or victimized by virtue of their transgendered status. Too many of us have already fallen victim to the violence of ignorance, hatred, bigotry and intolerance.

I believe it’s important for transsexuals who wish to be seen as women to portray themselves as such taking on and expressing the attributes, attitudes, and sensibilities of our XX sisters however varied and complex those expressions may be.

More controversially, (but here I speak of my own perceptions, motivations and wants) I think also, that opposite sex validation is an important component. Again, not that men should define us… or perhaps more accurately, be the sole validation of our female status. Nonetheless, our desirability in male eyes as possible romantic/sexual partners should not be dismissed as unimportant. Obviously, many Male to Female transsexuals define themselves as lesbians sexually. Nonetheless, I personally feel that opposite sex attraction is a legitimate reflection of our status as females.

I clearly recognize that many XX women repudiate any male participation in helping define women as women. What I write above is purely a reflection of my own psychology…but it’s a psychology I knowingly share with a number of my real-world girlfriends.

Ok, so I’m admittedly a victim of self-professed vanity. But I also believe that external validation of my female status plays a part in internalizing the fact that I’m female. Little girls are often sanctioned, restricted, socialized in a myriad of restricting and empowering ways. Because I’ve lived most of my life in “boy-world” I missed out on that important socialization… both for ill and for good.

So, for example, I was never expected to help the women prepare Christmas dinner like my female cousins were… setting the table etc… No, I was allowed to hang out with the men playing with my toy cars or whatever in the living-room far removed from the hurried activities of the kitchen. However, the vast majority of cis-gendered females never have to suffer the indignity of being called “sir” either.

I also admit to a certain curiosity about how I’ll be perceived at work. I’m employed at a large hospital in my city. Hundreds of people know me or rather “know of me”. I’m curious if they’ll interpret my changed appearance as a positive or a negative.

On a more immediate scale, my mother has frontal lobe dementia and short term memory loss. I have concerns that my altered appearance will upset or confuse her. Alternatively, she may notice no change at all! Regardless, it represents a future event; the outcome of which remains a mystery to me.

And finally, today, I received a mixed review on my EKG. The anesthesiologist in Montreal is concerned that I might have either some form of pulmonary disease or heart condition that may negate my eligibility for surgery.

Fortunately, a preliminary discussion with my personal physician deemed such a delay in my operation unlikely. A quick comparison with last year’s EKG showed no change in the readings. The mystery is answered by the fact that EKG readings need human interpretation. Last year I was given an unqualified “all clear.” This year the interpreting cardiologist decided to err on the side of caution. Regardless, I’m confident that the extra testing I’m undergoing will not jeopardize my scheduled surgery date…now just two weeks away.

Lesson learned? Smoking may be cool when your 16 but quickly loses it’s charm and takes a toll as the years pass. I’m a non-smoker now, having quit some 9.5 years ago. Nonetheless, it’s a case of “needle and the damage done”. I had a pack and a half per day habit…. up to three packs if I was out with the boys drinking in excess. So, in all likelihood I do have some permanent lung damage that shows up on my EKG. However, it shouldn’t extend to the point that I would be denied surgery… at least in the immediate future.

Soooo, a long story a bit longer…. Montreal looms large in my future… and yes, I’ll be back with more info and insight as events duly warrant.

xoxo R.

Ok, so we’re all aware that we essentially live within a binary gender system of  Male and Female. The writing is literally on the wall. So, it follows to reason that when walking out and about all humans are placed automatically in either the male or female category.

The decision to identify or more accurately “label” someone as male or female, at least superficially, rests with the identification of various gender cues including but not limited to secondary sex characteristics such as a facial hair for men and breasts for women.

The potential problem of such a dualistic system occurs when people exhibit traits associated with both genders; Notwithstanding the presence of those who happily dwell in that twilight world of indiscriminate gender and frequently politicize themselves as such.

But for most of us, the identification is either of one sex or the other.     Transgendered  individuals face challenges insomuch as they continue to possess traits associated with one gender (most often their originally assigned sex) while attempting to ‘present as’  and ‘identify with’ their gender of choice.  The result is to face public scrutiny, criticism, moral outrage, legal restrictions, and in some cases violent oppression leading  occassionally to death.

A quandry is thus presented, as to how to identify and operate within such a narrowly defined sytem? Moreover, the question seems to imply a certain moral or conscionable obligation to “own up” for those that “pass”. The racial analogy of some light skinned African-Americans who avoided censure and discrimination based on their ability to pass as Caucasians and their dark-skinned sisters who had no chance of avoiding persecution seems appropos.

A real world application can be seen in the case of a recent Georgia Straight article that drew attention to a controversy involving refusal of service to trans-women at an East-end Vancouver pharmacy. The pharmacy has in place a “woman born women only” policy.  The crunch comes when it is likely that trans-women who “pass” can avoid scrutiny and obtain service from the pharmacy while their less fortunate sisters are left to face censure.

The full article can be found at:

http://www.straight.com/article-240560/lus-pharmacy-rejects-transgender-customer

So should we politicize our status as transgendered or as a third sex, even though we may in fact pass as women born women? At this point I’m willing to leave the answer up to each individual’s own conscience.

In my case I identify as a trans-woman and see myself as distinct in some respects from what I term my “genetic sisters”. Nonetheless, my personal goal is to avoid public scrutiny as much as possible, surgically alter my appearance to whatever extent I am able in order to be seen as legitimately female as any woman born woman. I wish to fully partake in the female social role and willing take on the wonderful opportunities that life presents for women as well as the responsibilities and limitations that exist by virtue of being female.

Some may argue that I’ve been co-opted into internalizing the values inherent in a dualistic philosophy of sex and gender and of maintaining the status quo. This may be true but I recognize the moral responsibily that we all need to speak out against discrimination, prejudice and violence.  I’m also aware of the contradictions within myself.  However, ultimately, I simply want to be a woman and to live my life as such.

To a very large extent, much of the problem associated with presenting as something outside the Male-Female binary is being redressed by improved surgical procedures; not only in terms of our presentation but also in terms of how we function. It’s a safe bet that as advances in medical science continue it’s simply a matter of time before genetically XY people will be able to ovulate, menstruate, give birth and lactate. At which point the line defining male and female  along genetic and functional lines may finally become moot.

That still leaves us with those who choose to define themeselves as “other”. I fear their struggle will continue. Perhaps society will enlarge its definitions of sex and gender to afford members of the “Third Sex” their rightful place within society.  In the meantime, we should still continue to educate and enlighten a misinformed  public and work to correct the negative connotations associated with people who fail to adhere to a polarized female-male duality.

But as for me, I just want to be one of the girls.

Ok world… it’s been far too long but with renewed diligence I’ll attempt to post in here more often. Today I’d simply like to bring you up-to-date with regards to my latest activities of interest. Most significantly, I’ve joined the swelling ranks of the Tweeting Twitterers of Twitter (http://twitter.com). 

My membership in the Twitter family was brought about by the recent purchase of a Blackberry Bold 9000. I love that thing and it’s become a constant companion. My dear friend, Jacqueline bought a Blackberry so I simply followed suit. She’s been quite the influence on me having also introduced me to the band Metric; a mostly Canadian punk-pop quartet whose newest album, Fantasies is regarded by yours truly as one of the finest albums to appear in recent memory. I love each and every song on the album and recommend it to everyone. They’re pretty much the only band I’d pay to see perform live at this point in my life. And yes, I follow them on Twitter (http://twitter.com/Metric).

In other news, (also Twitter related) my life-long love of chess got a much needed shot of renewed passion courtesy of Jennifer Shahade 2-time US Women’s chess champion and author of the book: Chess Bitch: Women In The Ultimate Intellectual Sport.

Chess Bitch: Women In The Ultimate Intellectual Sport

Being a newly minted female, myself, I was made aware of my glaring lack of knowledge with regards to the role women have played in the history of the royal game. Ms. Shahade’s book represents the first step in my effort to correct that oversight.

I actually haven’t read the book as yet but I have it on order and I’ll make mention of it again once I’ve had a chance to digest its contents.  BTW, should you happen to visit my Twitter page (on PC or MAC) you’ll see a picture of Supergirl acting as my background image.

I absolutely adore Supergirl! But I’ve been struck by the significant numbers of young women who never seem to have heard of her! So in my one-woman crusade to raise “the Maid of Might’s” profile, I’ve installed images of her on various site’s associated with me on the net; including Twitter and Facebook.

The short scoop is that she’s Superman’s cousin, Kara-Zor-El,  possesses all of Superman’s powers, is blond, wears the Superman logo, is on the side of right, hails from Krypton, and kicks badguy A**!  She’s “girl-power” personified and made a much welcomed return to DC Comics continuity in Jeph Loeb’s and the late Michael Turner’s: Superman | Batman: Supergirl.

I highly recommend the collected edition as a great re-introduction to my fave DC Comics hero. It’s available either as a hard cover or paperback and can be ordered through your local bookstore:

Superman | Batman: Supergirl

Well, I guess I’ve prattled on enough for this entry… maybe too much. At any rate, check these books out and I’ll make a return visit to my Blog sooner than later.

XOXO R.