Archive for October, 2009

Sometimes I wonder where my blog ideas come from. I mean, obviously they come from my real life experiences, but why a specific blog topic at a certain time? The topic for this week came to me on the way home from work today. It is the end of a fairly stressful week. I’ve started an anti-depressant (Lexapro) after visiting with my endo. I haven’t been feeling 100%, and in fact felt like staying home from work on Thursday (felt emotionally spent), but I didn’t.

Anyway, the topic is shame and guilt. As I was growing up, I felt great shame that I had feelings that I wanted to be a girl. I was caught with my mom’s clothes on a couple occasions, and the shame I felt when my father asked why I did it was great. I lied, because even I didn’t know why at that point in time…it being the mid 60s.

That shame stayed with me until about 2000, when I finally decided that it was okay to be who I am. Yes, it wasn’t “normal” to the “average” person, but it was (and is) who I am. I don’t think I truly got over the shame until I admitted that I was a transsexual.

I remember clearly being in my therapist office when she asked me to complete the following sentence, “If I am a transsexual that means…” My answer was that my life was over. That is truly how I felt at the time. I still felt shame as I went through purges in the 70s, 80s, and 90s. Shame, along with guilt, keeps you from acceptance (I hope acceptance is a topic I’ll cover in the near future, but I can’t predict that!).

Guilt is another issue. I felt guilty because I married a woman without telling her the truth. Never mind that I didn’t “know” I was a transsexual…I still felt terrible guilt about putting her through all this. And, like most people in such a situation, she had great anger towards me. She eventually has accepted me (to an extent), and now that we are divorced, she is dating.

I also feel guilt from my father. He is terribly ashamed of me. He doesn’t want a daughter, he wants me to accept and be his son. He turned 80 last March, and I feel guilty putting him through this. I started my current job in male mode (I still am, even though I am a six years post-op woman), and now I am inquiring about transitioning at work. I feel guilty about not being upfront with them…although I doubt I would have been offered the position as Tina.

I feel guilt for having retransitioned and not having had the courage to stick it out the first time. Fear is a powerful thing. I’ve never been homeless, but I’ve faced the possibility of bankruptcy. I’ve never gone hungry, but I have had times when it has been tight.

I feel guilt for not being a vocal part of making things better. Yes, I am a member of Equality Illinois. Yes, I write my congressmen. Yes, I write a blog. I don’t, however, speak out in my community. I am fearful of the repercussions, and so I remain silent. And I feel guilty for doing so.

My point is that guilt keeps me from being happy. I have to let go of the guilt I feel. One way is to be more active in the community. Another is to celebrate the fact that my ex is dating, and truly hope she finds someone special in her life. And, I have to give myself a break and not feel guilty about those things I have done in the past.

It is easy to say that, but hard to do. If I could come up with a magic potion that would rid people of guilt, it probably wouldn’t be a good thing. Guilt has a place in our lives, if only to keep us from doing things that we know are wrong. The problem is when we carry that guild around as if it is a ton of bricks. When we hold on to guilt it keeps us from acceptance and love.

Getting over that guilt, actually facing it squarely in the eye and saying “I don’t feel guilty for being me,” isn’t an easy thing to do (at least for me). I feel like I am finally at that point, where I am going to forgive myself for the hurt I have caused in the past…to others, and to myself. I am also at the point of accepting that others may attempt to make me feel guilty, but that I do not have to accept that guilt. Their perceptions and beliefs are just that…I don’t have to let it make me feel guilty.

That is my story…and I’m sticking to it!

I work for a small, not-for-profit university located in Iowa. I don’t actually work at the campus, but rather at one of our off site centers, where I am involved in budgeting, faculty selection, scheduling, marketing, etc. Overall, we have fewer than 7,000 students, about 900 of those at our main campus, the rest taking classes either at our centers, online, or at overseas locations.

As it has become apparent that I “need” to transition (I put the quotations on there for people who would quibble that I don’t really need to do this…that it is a choice I’m making…that is true, just as it is true that each of us “choose” whether or not we wish to breathe.). So, basically I had to decide the “how to” of transitioning. There is the reason for my previous blog on transitioning in place vs. finding a new job.

As my timeline for transitioning kept shortening (starting at seven years, quickly decreasing…first to five, then to two) it became apparent that I either need to find out the probability of a successful transition at my current employer. If the “odds” are against me, it would be best for all concerned it I just moved on.

So, my therapist and I decided we would test the waters. Actually I suggested that she contact an individual at my institution saying she had “a client” who was dealing with the issue. That initial conversation was somewhat short. The individual she called is a woman, a vice president, and is pretty sharp. She also has a pretty good feel for the university.

The conversation, which I of course was not privy to, went something like this (the responses from the VP are in italics…okay, the italics didn’t come through, but you are all smart enough to figure it out!):

“I have a client who is dealing with transgender issues.”

“Boy, that is a tough one.”
“We follow the law.”
Now I am sure there was more to the conversation, but that was basically it. There are a lot of ways to dissect the conversation. The first comment shows an honesty that is somewhat refreshing. Yes, it is a tough one. Even not knowing who the person was, the VP was able to “bottom line” it in one sentence.

The second comment is the one that worries me, because it can be taken in many different ways. First, I am lucky to live in Illinois…a state that, as part of our Human Rights Act, protects transgender individuals from being fired for being…transgendered. So, from a practical standpoint, I can transition at any point and there is nothing they can do to stop me…including terminating me. On the other hand, they can find other methods to get rid of me…my performance could start to slip in their estimation; they could change my goals, etc. I am aware that may happen.
There is no single “right” way to come out to your employer. There are, of course, ways that are less “right.” Coming to the holiday party in your LBD (assuming you are an M2F) isn’t probably the best way to let them know. Neither is being seen at the Gay Pride Parade (although this possibility isn’t great…and if your boss is also in the parade, I guess it could be a good thing!).

In my case, we decided that I would contact the VP myself. I wasn’t sure how my boss would react, and since she has the office next to him, I figured she would be a good place to start. Plus, she had been honest with my therapist (boy, that is a tough one). So, I emailed her, she gave me her cell phone number and we chatted on a Monday night for about 45 minutes. She encouraged me to talk to my boss…that he would be supportive and understanding.

So, I called my boss the next day (Tuesday) and asked that we meet…I picked a “neutral location,” a Starbucks. He was confused as to why I didn’t want him to come to my location, but I just said that I would prefer to meet somewhere else. In my particular situation, I wanted to meet in a place where we could talk without others wondering what was going on.

We talked for about two hours. Interestingly enough, he has had experience with this issue before. While at a company in the 80s, an individual he worked out with transitioned (an M2F). And, at the university, he had a part-time instructor who was an F2M (that one didn’t go real well). So, he has some familiarity with the issue. Morale to that is the person you talk to may have more knowledge than you think, hopefully not from watching Jerry Springer! (and if the person says, oh, I know all about that, my wife made me go to a drag show when we were in Las Vegas, you should start to worry!).

Involving HR is a good place for most people to start, unless you are like us. We don’t actually have an HR director….merely a couple benefits/payroll people. Involving your EE officer(s) is also a good idea. Having support and advice from others who have transitioned before you, wherever they are in the country, is also a good idea. The one caveat I would give you is that each situation is slightly different.

You know your organization better than anyone outside can. So take everything and filter it through your own beliefs about things. Also, don’t let the past be the only influence on how you believe things will go in the future. I had an unsuccessful transition seven years ago at a community college. I was lied to by my employer. It is easy for me to take the distrust I have coming out of that situation and extend it to this one. What I should do is to try learning from the past, but not be wedded to it. That means being alert for signs that something bad is happening again (meaning among other things to listen to what the grapevine is saying, even if it may not be totally accurate).

If you asked me, I’d say chances of a successful transition “in place” is about 50/50. That may go up or down as we proceed. Whatever, I would suggest that caution is taken in planning the transition, but tempering that with the “fact” that only you know how desperately you need to transition (and if you don’t need to desperately, you might want to question whether you actually should transition…in my humble opinion.

More later.

I’ve been struggling with a difficult decision. It is an issue that is, at this point, central to my life: whether to transition in place or to move on. I have talked with two individuals at my university about the possibility of transitioning in place. The challenge, in my particular position, is that my job is very public. I interface with students and teachers, with two year partners and with the community. It is a very public position. On any day, I might see the mayor or the head of the economic development organization.

Thus, in my particular case it is problematic about whether transitioning in the public eye would be successful. If enrollments don’t meet goals, there is a convenient reason why (my transition). The irony is that if I don’t transition and don’t meet the goals, it would be seen in a different light.

So, transitioning in place is a challenge for that reason. There are other challenges, however. The people who know you from prior to transition have a difficult time adjusting. Even those who love you (if love is “allowed” in your organization…a better term is probably those who are supportive) may have difficulty grasping it.

That has come to my attention within my family. I have two cousins, both of whom (in my estimation) are supportive. Both also call me “Tim” or “Timmy” or “he” at different times. That is just the view they have of me…they have a “his”story with me and it is hard for them to understand the “her”story. I hope that makes a bit of sense.

In this view, people (some, maybe most, possibly all) will view you as a guy…and there is little you can do to change that. Show up in a skirt and they’ll accuse you of being a mockery of femininity. Dress in trousers and they’ll point out that you don’t really have what it is to be a woman.

Okay, that is the baggage of transitioning in place. There are, of course positives to it. One is that you may already have (I do) a support system in place. Friends and allies you can count on to “watch your back.” You also have a relationship that demonstrates your abilities (although to some people those abilities will be discounted after you transition) to them…they know what you are capable of.

The alternative to transitioning in place is to move on. Let me start with the positives on this one. First, you don’t have any “bells to un-ring.” While people may suspect, they don’t have a past relationship with you in your “former gender.” Thus, you start with a blank slate with them. Second, you don’t start questioning whether someone is treating you differently than before…because there is no “before” within the organization (for you).

There are also negatives to this choice. You don’t have a past for them to rely on to know that you are a terrific employee (if you are), and you may have to move and develop a new support system. Additionally, it is impossible in our electronic age to go completely stealth. There is always someone who you might meet, someone who might Google you, or whatever.

I haven’t made up my mind which of the two alternatives I will select. I am going to continue to think about it, meditate over it, and seek the advice of others. In the final analysis, however, it is a choice that only the individual can make. It is a critical choice…not life or death, but right below that. Taking time to carefully consider the alternatives in an honest and complete manner is hard and time consuming (and produces no mathematically “right” answer). It is, however, important.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Something happened at the salon I “frequent” tonight that I wanted to write about. I’ve had the same stylist for about ten years. She went through my first transition to Tina, has been there as I decided to transition back to find “gainful employment” and so on. She is terrific, and even though I don’t really socialize a lot with her, I have gone to see her son play basketball and baseball, football and wrestling. So, I consider her a friend.

The salon has always been a safe place for me. In fact, it is a huge part of my “entertainment” budget. I don’t go to expensive shows or out for bar crawls (that has never been my “thing”), so I spend my money on treatments. Nothing overboard, but tonight I got my nails done.

Okay, here is the point of this blog: all the staff “know.” They have seen me as recently as three months ago in male mode. Tonight while getting my nails done, one of the stylists came by and called me “he.” That normally would just be very destructive to my ego, and perhaps it will be. But it got me to thinking about it.

Those who know about us have a concept in their minds of who we are. As long as they care for us and are not doing it to be mean, we have to understand that these things are going to happen. That doesn’t mean we have to like it, but we do have to accept it. She felt bad about it. She felt worse because I admitted that it played to my insecurity about not passing.

The reality is that people who “know” have a challenge. They have to change their concept of who we are. We need to cut them some slack while at the same time not letting it hurt us anymore than it naturally will. That is a tough combination. If I didn’t know that this salon is a safe place and that all the women want to treat me with respect, I might feel different. Instead, I try to just smile, knowing that although it still does hurt, they don’t mean it that way…it was merely a slip.

One of my friends from chat was sad yesterday because someone she considered a friend (I think) told her she was ugly. My friend is not ugly. Like most of us, she isn’t a 19 year old beauty queen. She is retired from her job (I met her six years ago while I was having surgery with Dr. Toby). That person calling her ugly played on her fears. She cried. First of all, no one should say such a thing to someone…and it says more about the person making the comments than my friend. I got similar comments from my father who added that my voice was a joke, and that this would never work.

It preys on our insecurities, and if we allow it to it will eat us alive. I know my friend well enough to predict that she will have had a good cry about it (like any woman would) and then get up and face another day with the dignity and compassion that are a part of her nature. At least I hope so.

In closing, I’m trying to find a way to transition at work. I have my therapist making discrete inquiries…at least she has said she will (it has been almost a week and she has been busy and hasn’t gotten a chance to do it…and or course I’m impatient, because waiting for her to find out is like water torture to me!).

Now it is time to end this message…the moral is to love yourself, not let comments from people permanently scar you. Easier said than done, but a lesson for each and everyone.

I had dinner last night with Jen on Friday night and she offered to allow me to start blogging. I do “journal” a bit…in fact I wrote 15 pages handwritten during a trip to Texas a week or so ago. Still, I wonder if I have anything worth blogging. As I’ve thought more about it, we all have a story…and if sharing with others can help one other person who is dealing with transgender issues, it is worth it.

So, to start…my blog will not include academic type articles or reviews of issues…those are very valuable, but they aren’t what I “do.” So, if you are looking for tips on the best surgeon (I of course think mine is, but I don’t review everyone), you won’t find it in my blogs.

What you will find is information about my transition…the issues I face, how I face them…to borrow from a “spaghetti western,” the good, the bad, and the ugly. Like Jen, I encourage anyone dealing with gender issues (in fact anyone who is human) to keep a journal…and one that is completely private. It is “cheap” therapy and can help you to clarify not only your goals, but also your feelings.

A little about me to finish this first blog…I will try to keep them somewhat brief…but do them a bit more often. I am a post-op, but I would like to consider myself “just a woman.” I was at a wedding in Texas a week ago, and my cousin (it was her daughter who got married) told the bride and groom and a few others that I was only to be thought of as “Tammy’s cousin.” That was cool…my life isn’t completely wrapped up in being T, but it is an important part right now.

Why is that? The simple fact is that, for the past 2+ years, I have been working and living male. I couldn’t seem to find a position that would provide me with enough income to live and pay down the debt I incurred. I lost my job after I transitioned…in fact my last day at the college I worked at was two days after I had my surgery with Dr. Meltzer in June of 2003.

It should go without saying, but everything I blog is of course simply my view on things. It doesn’t mean that anything I say is right or wrong…just that it is “right” for me “right now.” I guess in a 12-step program, they call it “the truth as I know it.

Anyway, I am in the process of finding my way back to being myself 24/7. Right now I “cross-dress” for work. I like to think of it as playing a part in a movie for 50 hours a week…sometimes a bit more. It isn’t easy, but it is what I need to do.

I am working on finding a way to be myself. As of my last therapy session (yes, I still do therapy once in a while to help me deal with issues…things aren’t perfect just because you transition…which is, I believe one of the most important things people need to know), I told my therapist I needed to take a five year transition plan and condense it to two. I just can’t deal with the stress of going back and forth forever.

Two years is slightly over 100 weeks (see, I can do basic math!), meaning every week is another 1% closer to the goal. In the meantime I am working on several intermediate goals…one doesn’t transition completely without a lot of planning…at least for me.

That is enough for now…more later!