Archive for November, 2009

I don’t know if you have ever woken up in the middle of the night, tried to get out of bed, and felt a little bit unstable…that it takes you a moment to gain balance of your body. I know that I have had that happen…and I see my 16 year old dog taking a couple seconds to gain his balance when he has been sleeping and gets off the couch.

It is important that each of us maintain our balance; before, during and after transition. I have had trouble with this in the past, and I continually have to remind myself to work at keeping that balance. I’m not anywhere near perfect in doing so, but just being aware of the need to do so is helpful.

Before transition, it is easy to get carried away. The incredible feeling that you get when you are finally able to “unleash” the real you can spur you to move quickly. I know I did, telling my college president of my situation and desire to transition before I should have. If I had waited, I’m not sure things would have gone better, but by doing so quickly, I lost my balance…I wasn’t ready for the onslaught that began happening.

In my case, my therapist tried to rein me in, but I “knew” better. While it was natural that I was excited about becoming myself (that may make no sense to a non T), trying to do so at “warp speed” wasn’t very bright. Speed can upset balance.

During transition, being patient and keeping balance is also important. Electrolysis seems to take forever. Again, I wasn’t very bright. I had about 50 hours of electrolysis, but I was “ready” for RLT. No, I really wasn’t. I should have waited until I had the face cleared. Again, I should have tried to balance things. I had limited time and money, but instead of waiting another year, I started RLT. While I may have been ready in some ways, I struggled to keep my balance.

After transition, it is also important to have balance. Throughout the process, I was very vulnerable. When my dad would make comments about the fact that I would never be successful, it cut close to the bone. When my brother ignored me, it hurt. When friends would call me “he” it seemed cruel. I did approach some balance at times, but it was always a struggle. Sometimes a person could make a comment and it wouldn’t bother me at all. The next day, the same comment would be devastating.

Balance means a lot of things. It means having a number of friends and not relying on any one of them to make you happy or to “buck you up.” It means having various interests, so that if you decide one group isn’t “right” for you, there are other interests. For example, I love my dog more than anything in the world. Those are strong words, but he is so important to me.

He is 16, which means that he won’t be with me forever. And, since he is a “joint custody” dog, I only get him about half of the time. When he is no longer with me, I am sure I will be devastated. If I allow him to be my life, to the exclusion of others, I will be truly lost. I know that I will be sad when he leaves this earth…he has been part of my lofe for over 15 of those years…got him when he was seven months old. Still, I need to keep my balance.

A seminar I went to a number of years ago talked about “dancing in the moment.” That was an alien concept to me at the time. Even now I struggle with it. To me it means to enjoy the time right now and not be so worried about the future that you miss out on the enjoyment of the moment. Keeping my balance…between worrying about the future and not being aware how my decisions impact it, from enjoying my dog to being prepared for a life without him…those balances are critical to me.

Doing it, however is the challenge.

Family relationships are complicated, at least in my family. I have one brother, three years older than me. My father turned 80 in March. My mom died in 1983, my father remarried a few years after that, so I have a sort of stepmother. I also have a very sweet uncle (my dad’s older brother) who was with me during my surgery and is very supportive of me. My father, on the other hand isn’t supportive of my “bad decision.”

He has recently become aware of my decision to live my life as Tina, after pretending for a couple of years that I could be his son. He has made me aware that: 1) he knows, 2) he doesn’t understand, and 3) “Tina” is not welcome to visit him.

Okay, the theme this week is on something that I consider to be a part of Judaism…although would submit it is probably a part of any “good religion.” In the past couple of weeks we have seen the Ft. Hood attack and an individual going to a former employer in Florida and opening fire. Hatred of others, whether through religious extremism or based on a long-term grudge, have ended the lives of many people. In that same two week period, I am certain that murders have occurred in probably most of the states in our country. We seem to be a very violent society.

As Jews, we remember the violence that occurred in what is known as Kristallnacht, on November 9-10, 1938…some 71 years ago this week. Violence and hatred seem to be alive and well…raising the question: have we progressed? The answer to that is complicated. In some ways we have. The dialogue about gay marriage and expansion of hate crimes legislation would not have been discussed even thirty years ago.

And yet, hatred seems to be alive and well…and at times it appears to be overwhelming us. When we have “men of the cloth” blaming natural disasters on the wrath of G-d on our society due to our “sins”, when individuals feel they are doing “G-ds will” by murdering doctors providing legal abortion procedures, and when gender variant individuals are murdered, it appears that hatred and violence are “winning.”

What is the alternative? How do we “beat” hatred? The answer, in my view, was articulated by my congregations Rabbi this past Friday evening. What we can do is to love and heal the world. This seems like a daunting (impossible?) task, but it is really our only option…unless we want to escalate the violence.

It isn’t easy to do this, and I’m not trying to simplify things. The world is a complicated place. It is not always (often?) easy to love others. Still, it is worth the effort. In my transition, I am going to try to remember this…that although love may not have the strength to overcome hatred, it is the best option I have.

So, I will love my father, even as he rejects who I am. I will work at expressing love in all aspects of my life…from the person who gets my order wrong at McDonald’s to the individuals who insist on calling me “he.” I will work on loving the student who is irate, and the faculty member who sends me a nasty email. I will not be perfect (none of us are), but I will make the effort.

I do not wear rose colored glasses. I am under no illusion that my love will overcome hatred or stop violence. I do, however, believe it is what we can do…and if each of us provides enough love to the world, it will at least make a difference…it already does. We won’t eliminate hatred and violence…it seems that will be with us forever, but we can make progress.

I used to like the phrase “love conquers all.” Now I don’t, because I don’t believe that love “conquers.” That seems warlike to me. I do believe that love is “powerful in a gentle way.” Anyway, love is my way of working to heal the world.

Until next time

I’ve been reading two books that my favorite cousin recommended. I haven’t finished either, as instead of attempting to devour them, I am seeking to savor them. So, it may be another week or so before I’ve completed them. One is The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney and the other is The Five Love Languages (I’m reading the singles edition) by Gary Chapman.

It is curious that I am reading them simultaneously, as it seems that I have come upon something I (and you) know: that we are complex individuals with many complex layers. As we attempt to successfully grapple with our “gender issues”, we also face all of the other challenges of the world.

Let me deal with the love book first. The essence is that there are five distinct ways we can give and receive love. Chapman calls these five “languages.” Each of us, he asserts, has a predominant language we “speak.” The five languages are: words of affirmation; gifts; acts of service; quality time; and physical touch.

What is interesting to me it that the language I wish people to speak to me is primarily through physical touch. My strong second and third languages are quality time and acts of service (such as spending time with a friend working at a soup kitchen or a congregational rummage sale). Words of affirmation and gifts are less important to me…unless they also include one of my primary languages.

For example, if one of my friends has dinner with me on my birthday and gets me a gift of a Star of David for me to wear around my neck (I have about seven of them, but I am always looking for more), it is a gift, but I see it primarily as quality time. If they also give me a hug, they have hit three of my languages. Another example is my cousin. When we met in Chicago a few weeks ago, she gave me a small gift (a bar of lavender soap). The gift wasn’t really important by itself, but it was part of us spending an afternoon together, and of course I got some hugs from her.

I believe that is why I enjoy being with animals so much. Dogs (and some cats!) provide me with the physical touch that I crave. Since I live alone and don’t currently have a domestic (or a wild!) partner, I don’t get daily touches, unless it is a week when I have my dog (the sixteen year old wonder dog!). I get down on those weeks when he isn’t here, as I miss the opportunity to just lay in bed next to him. He isn’t human, but that doesn’t seem to matter. He accepts me, and he accepts my love.

Okay, on to the introvert book. I am a fairly strong closet introvert. People who really know me seem to get that, but everyone else thinks I am an extrovert. That is because I try to be an extrovert…because that seems to be what society rewards (at least US society). When you overlay being an introvert on top of craving physical touch, and being a transsexual…well you get the picture that it becomes increasingly perplexing and complicated.

I’ve already gotten some moments from the book where I’m able to understand why I do certain things…like why I am so drained after a party with lots of people, or why after a dinner with more than six people, I feel the need to have some alone time to recharge my battery. I’ve felt guilty about that, felt that I was anti-social, or just bad. The reality is that being with lots of people for a prolonged period of time drains my emotional energy. An example is meetings at work. Three times a year we have two-day meetings with 10-12 people. At the end of the first day, we are expected to have dinner as a group. All I want to do is to go to the nearest Subway, have a sandwich and enjoy reading whatever book I am currently interested in.

Bottom line: we are all (transsexual or not) complicated people. We have many things overlaying each other. As an introvert, I have a hard time dealing with a multitude of things at the same time, so I try to compartmentalize. Saturday (sometimes Friday) is zapping day. Friday (sometimes Saturday, sometimes Sunday) is my day to blog. Anytime is a good time to journal or read, as those are calming, affirming things for me…it is as if the book is replacing the physical touch I crave. And, of course, any day is a good day to email a friend and express my love in whatever way I can, or to call a friend just to say hi.

Enough for now.