I work for a small, not-for-profit university located in Iowa. I don’t actually work at the campus, but rather at one of our off site centers, where I am involved in budgeting, faculty selection, scheduling, marketing, etc. Overall, we have fewer than 7,000 students, about 900 of those at our main campus, the rest taking classes either at our centers, online, or at overseas locations.

As it has become apparent that I “need” to transition (I put the quotations on there for people who would quibble that I don’t really need to do this…that it is a choice I’m making…that is true, just as it is true that each of us “choose” whether or not we wish to breathe.). So, basically I had to decide the “how to” of transitioning. There is the reason for my previous blog on transitioning in place vs. finding a new job.

As my timeline for transitioning kept shortening (starting at seven years, quickly decreasing…first to five, then to two) it became apparent that I either need to find out the probability of a successful transition at my current employer. If the “odds” are against me, it would be best for all concerned it I just moved on.

So, my therapist and I decided we would test the waters. Actually I suggested that she contact an individual at my institution saying she had “a client” who was dealing with the issue. That initial conversation was somewhat short. The individual she called is a woman, a vice president, and is pretty sharp. She also has a pretty good feel for the university.

The conversation, which I of course was not privy to, went something like this (the responses from the VP are in italics…okay, the italics didn’t come through, but you are all smart enough to figure it out!):

“I have a client who is dealing with transgender issues.”

“Boy, that is a tough one.”
“We follow the law.”
Now I am sure there was more to the conversation, but that was basically it. There are a lot of ways to dissect the conversation. The first comment shows an honesty that is somewhat refreshing. Yes, it is a tough one. Even not knowing who the person was, the VP was able to “bottom line” it in one sentence.

The second comment is the one that worries me, because it can be taken in many different ways. First, I am lucky to live in Illinois…a state that, as part of our Human Rights Act, protects transgender individuals from being fired for being…transgendered. So, from a practical standpoint, I can transition at any point and there is nothing they can do to stop me…including terminating me. On the other hand, they can find other methods to get rid of me…my performance could start to slip in their estimation; they could change my goals, etc. I am aware that may happen.
There is no single “right” way to come out to your employer. There are, of course, ways that are less “right.” Coming to the holiday party in your LBD (assuming you are an M2F) isn’t probably the best way to let them know. Neither is being seen at the Gay Pride Parade (although this possibility isn’t great…and if your boss is also in the parade, I guess it could be a good thing!).

In my case, we decided that I would contact the VP myself. I wasn’t sure how my boss would react, and since she has the office next to him, I figured she would be a good place to start. Plus, she had been honest with my therapist (boy, that is a tough one). So, I emailed her, she gave me her cell phone number and we chatted on a Monday night for about 45 minutes. She encouraged me to talk to my boss…that he would be supportive and understanding.

So, I called my boss the next day (Tuesday) and asked that we meet…I picked a “neutral location,” a Starbucks. He was confused as to why I didn’t want him to come to my location, but I just said that I would prefer to meet somewhere else. In my particular situation, I wanted to meet in a place where we could talk without others wondering what was going on.

We talked for about two hours. Interestingly enough, he has had experience with this issue before. While at a company in the 80s, an individual he worked out with transitioned (an M2F). And, at the university, he had a part-time instructor who was an F2M (that one didn’t go real well). So, he has some familiarity with the issue. Morale to that is the person you talk to may have more knowledge than you think, hopefully not from watching Jerry Springer! (and if the person says, oh, I know all about that, my wife made me go to a drag show when we were in Las Vegas, you should start to worry!).

Involving HR is a good place for most people to start, unless you are like us. We don’t actually have an HR director….merely a couple benefits/payroll people. Involving your EE officer(s) is also a good idea. Having support and advice from others who have transitioned before you, wherever they are in the country, is also a good idea. The one caveat I would give you is that each situation is slightly different.

You know your organization better than anyone outside can. So take everything and filter it through your own beliefs about things. Also, don’t let the past be the only influence on how you believe things will go in the future. I had an unsuccessful transition seven years ago at a community college. I was lied to by my employer. It is easy for me to take the distrust I have coming out of that situation and extend it to this one. What I should do is to try learning from the past, but not be wedded to it. That means being alert for signs that something bad is happening again (meaning among other things to listen to what the grapevine is saying, even if it may not be totally accurate).

If you asked me, I’d say chances of a successful transition “in place” is about 50/50. That may go up or down as we proceed. Whatever, I would suggest that caution is taken in planning the transition, but tempering that with the “fact” that only you know how desperately you need to transition (and if you don’t need to desperately, you might want to question whether you actually should transition…in my humble opinion.

More later.