Sometimes I wonder where my blog ideas come from. I mean, obviously they come from my real life experiences, but why a specific blog topic at a certain time? The topic for this week came to me on the way home from work today. It is the end of a fairly stressful week. I’ve started an anti-depressant (Lexapro) after visiting with my endo. I haven’t been feeling 100%, and in fact felt like staying home from work on Thursday (felt emotionally spent), but I didn’t.

Anyway, the topic is shame and guilt. As I was growing up, I felt great shame that I had feelings that I wanted to be a girl. I was caught with my mom’s clothes on a couple occasions, and the shame I felt when my father asked why I did it was great. I lied, because even I didn’t know why at that point in time…it being the mid 60s.

That shame stayed with me until about 2000, when I finally decided that it was okay to be who I am. Yes, it wasn’t “normal” to the “average” person, but it was (and is) who I am. I don’t think I truly got over the shame until I admitted that I was a transsexual.

I remember clearly being in my therapist office when she asked me to complete the following sentence, “If I am a transsexual that means…” My answer was that my life was over. That is truly how I felt at the time. I still felt shame as I went through purges in the 70s, 80s, and 90s. Shame, along with guilt, keeps you from acceptance (I hope acceptance is a topic I’ll cover in the near future, but I can’t predict that!).

Guilt is another issue. I felt guilty because I married a woman without telling her the truth. Never mind that I didn’t “know” I was a transsexual…I still felt terrible guilt about putting her through all this. And, like most people in such a situation, she had great anger towards me. She eventually has accepted me (to an extent), and now that we are divorced, she is dating.

I also feel guilt from my father. He is terribly ashamed of me. He doesn’t want a daughter, he wants me to accept and be his son. He turned 80 last March, and I feel guilty putting him through this. I started my current job in male mode (I still am, even though I am a six years post-op woman), and now I am inquiring about transitioning at work. I feel guilty about not being upfront with them…although I doubt I would have been offered the position as Tina.

I feel guilt for having retransitioned and not having had the courage to stick it out the first time. Fear is a powerful thing. I’ve never been homeless, but I’ve faced the possibility of bankruptcy. I’ve never gone hungry, but I have had times when it has been tight.

I feel guilt for not being a vocal part of making things better. Yes, I am a member of Equality Illinois. Yes, I write my congressmen. Yes, I write a blog. I don’t, however, speak out in my community. I am fearful of the repercussions, and so I remain silent. And I feel guilty for doing so.

My point is that guilt keeps me from being happy. I have to let go of the guilt I feel. One way is to be more active in the community. Another is to celebrate the fact that my ex is dating, and truly hope she finds someone special in her life. And, I have to give myself a break and not feel guilty about those things I have done in the past.

It is easy to say that, but hard to do. If I could come up with a magic potion that would rid people of guilt, it probably wouldn’t be a good thing. Guilt has a place in our lives, if only to keep us from doing things that we know are wrong. The problem is when we carry that guild around as if it is a ton of bricks. When we hold on to guilt it keeps us from acceptance and love.

Getting over that guilt, actually facing it squarely in the eye and saying “I don’t feel guilty for being me,” isn’t an easy thing to do (at least for me). I feel like I am finally at that point, where I am going to forgive myself for the hurt I have caused in the past…to others, and to myself. I am also at the point of accepting that others may attempt to make me feel guilty, but that I do not have to accept that guilt. Their perceptions and beliefs are just that…I don’t have to let it make me feel guilty.

That is my story…and I’m sticking to it!