I’ve been reading two books that my favorite cousin recommended. I haven’t finished either, as instead of attempting to devour them, I am seeking to savor them. So, it may be another week or so before I’ve completed them. One is The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney and the other is The Five Love Languages (I’m reading the singles edition) by Gary Chapman.

It is curious that I am reading them simultaneously, as it seems that I have come upon something I (and you) know: that we are complex individuals with many complex layers. As we attempt to successfully grapple with our “gender issues”, we also face all of the other challenges of the world.

Let me deal with the love book first. The essence is that there are five distinct ways we can give and receive love. Chapman calls these five “languages.” Each of us, he asserts, has a predominant language we “speak.” The five languages are: words of affirmation; gifts; acts of service; quality time; and physical touch.

What is interesting to me it that the language I wish people to speak to me is primarily through physical touch. My strong second and third languages are quality time and acts of service (such as spending time with a friend working at a soup kitchen or a congregational rummage sale). Words of affirmation and gifts are less important to me…unless they also include one of my primary languages.

For example, if one of my friends has dinner with me on my birthday and gets me a gift of a Star of David for me to wear around my neck (I have about seven of them, but I am always looking for more), it is a gift, but I see it primarily as quality time. If they also give me a hug, they have hit three of my languages. Another example is my cousin. When we met in Chicago a few weeks ago, she gave me a small gift (a bar of lavender soap). The gift wasn’t really important by itself, but it was part of us spending an afternoon together, and of course I got some hugs from her.

I believe that is why I enjoy being with animals so much. Dogs (and some cats!) provide me with the physical touch that I crave. Since I live alone and don’t currently have a domestic (or a wild!) partner, I don’t get daily touches, unless it is a week when I have my dog (the sixteen year old wonder dog!). I get down on those weeks when he isn’t here, as I miss the opportunity to just lay in bed next to him. He isn’t human, but that doesn’t seem to matter. He accepts me, and he accepts my love.

Okay, on to the introvert book. I am a fairly strong closet introvert. People who really know me seem to get that, but everyone else thinks I am an extrovert. That is because I try to be an extrovert…because that seems to be what society rewards (at least US society). When you overlay being an introvert on top of craving physical touch, and being a transsexual…well you get the picture that it becomes increasingly perplexing and complicated.

I’ve already gotten some moments from the book where I’m able to understand why I do certain things…like why I am so drained after a party with lots of people, or why after a dinner with more than six people, I feel the need to have some alone time to recharge my battery. I’ve felt guilty about that, felt that I was anti-social, or just bad. The reality is that being with lots of people for a prolonged period of time drains my emotional energy. An example is meetings at work. Three times a year we have two-day meetings with 10-12 people. At the end of the first day, we are expected to have dinner as a group. All I want to do is to go to the nearest Subway, have a sandwich and enjoy reading whatever book I am currently interested in.

Bottom line: we are all (transsexual or not) complicated people. We have many things overlaying each other. As an introvert, I have a hard time dealing with a multitude of things at the same time, so I try to compartmentalize. Saturday (sometimes Friday) is zapping day. Friday (sometimes Saturday, sometimes Sunday) is my day to blog. Anytime is a good time to journal or read, as those are calming, affirming things for me…it is as if the book is replacing the physical touch I crave. And, of course, any day is a good day to email a friend and express my love in whatever way I can, or to call a friend just to say hi.

Enough for now.