I started writing this entry about a month ago, but other topics came up, and I just put this one on the back burner…now I’m going to refine it a bit.  This week has been one of reflection.  I had a therapy session on Saturday, a special session to address my concerns regarding transition.  I share most of the common herstory of transgendered M2Fs, including that with Mike Penner/Christine Daniels.  That is why her death hit me so hard.

As I’ve written earlier, my dad can’t (won’t?) accept me for who I am.  As long as I present male to him, things are fine, but he doesn’t care to see Tina.  When I complete my transition (hopefully sometime during 2010), that is going to mean he just doesn’t get to see me.  I may try to make one more visit to him before that happens

We face enormous societal challenges by being transgendered, whether we hide it from the world or not.  If, as I did for the first 40+ years of my life, we hide it we face the stress of living in a gender that we are unable to feel completely comfortable with.  Our degree of discomfort can lead to self-destructive behavior, sadness, depression, and even suicide.  If, on the other hand, we select to transition, we face the three R’s of ridicule, rejection, and repulsion.

Okay, so we all have paradigms about what we believe is “normal.”  To a large extent these are based on our own experiences.  As an example, I have a hard time understanding F2Ms.  Why would a woman want to become a man?  I mean, I understand it is the reverse of what I have felt (I am not THAT stupid), but I can’t understand why anyone would want to give up being a woman.  I am sure that there are F2Ms who are puzzled as to why I would want to give up male privilege.  Each of us is seeing things through our own lenses.

As much as most people, I am a slave to the binary gender system.  I like to believe that I’m not, but the reality is that even if I think of gender as a continuum, I feel that people “land” somewhere in that range.  So, if one is basically mostly male, that is where you land…I can’t easily understand how one can be hyper male one day and girly-girl the next.  So, I have trouble understanding gender f##kers.

My point, and I do have one, is that it is difficult to get past our paradigms.  Additionally, if we don’t at least identify and admit that they exist, we will never be able to understand them.  I am now trying to understand the M2F trans-whatever who feels the need to wear fishnet stockings and six inch heels, along with a mini-skirt.  It may not be (it isn’t) my cup of tea (I prefer a long skirt or pants, along with much lower heels and/or flats),   That doesn’t make me “right” or the other person “wrong.”  It simply makes each of us different from each other.

When we try to fit people into the “boxes” we create with our own paradigms, we are doing to them exactly what we don’t like in others who label us as “freaks.”  While I (and others) may wish to just be referred to as being a woman (without the trans), there are others who are proudly transwomen.  Both are okay, but some of us feel more comfortable with being identified by one term.

As Joel Barker, in his book Paradigms: Business of Discovering the Future, points out, our paradigms are valuable to us…an example being a stoplight.  My hope would be that you will stop at a red light…that is my paradigm.  It is when those paradigms are used to make others feel less than…to be made to feel like freaks…that they are bad.  Personally, I believe we need to challenge our paradigms.  While you won’t see me at a drag show (I am uncomfortable with them), I respect those who participate in them and those who attend…even as I am uncomfortable with it.

When I encounter a 50-something cross-dresser who feels the need to wear a mini-skirt, I’ll try to understand that this person is just expressing who s/he wants to be at that moment.  When my father rejects me, I will try to understand that he is a prisoner of his own belief system…and I will love him through the pain.

This entry, like most of mine, is an attempt for me to work through my own issues.  If it is helpful to anyone, that is great…but that isn’t the major point…at least for me.  More later.