Although many members of our community may disagree with me, most of the hoops we have to jump through in following the Standards of Care (SOC) are easy compared to the challenges we face in acceptance. I think of acceptance as being like an onion…many layers of acceptance, rather than a banana, with one layer. In fact, it may be like a tootsie pop, but since I have actually never had a tootsie pop (a confession I make with embarrassment) that takes a while to get to the “center.

The first layer, for me, began with the acknowledgement that I am, indeed, a transsexual. I’ve always known I was different…in elementary school I fixated on the words sissy and effeminate in the dictionary…my only real source of information about the topic, since the Encyclopedia Britannica didn’t have any meaningful information. In junior high and high school, I spent time researching “change of sex” in the big green Guides to Periodical Literature books, and spent time in the library stacks reading the very limited information.

Even with that, I didn’t accept the fact that I was (am) a transsexual. Did I want to be a girl? Yes. Did I dream of waking up some morning and discovering that G-d had fixed the “problem between my legs?” Again, the answer is yes. Did it ever occur to me that the problem was between my ears…that I needed to be deprogrammed? No. I knew I was a girl, but I didn’t really accept that was okay. It wasn’t until well into therapy that I was able to admit that, not only was (am) I a transsexual, but that I am okay with that…internally.

The next level of acceptance we seek is from family and friends or from the ability to pass. I know these are really two different levels, but I am not sure which comes first. For some of us, myself included, being able to walk through a mall or try on a cute outfit comes before seeking acceptance from the majority of our friends and family. Having the belief that you won’t “always be read” is important in gaining confidence to go on. It comes in spurts. You may be followed by boys at the mall or giggled at by a group of preteen girls, but at some point you gain a little more confidence and feel a bit more accepted.
On the family and friends side, things get harder. I would guess that most of us have lost some family and friends because of this issue. In my case, my dad can’t accept who I am. His acceptance would be helpful to me, but I need to work through this knowing I won’t get it. Lacking the acceptance of a parent is difficult, and it makes acceptance by others more critical. Some of us are lucky enough, brave enough, or whatever, so that this portion doesn’t bother us. We say that we just go with those who accept us, and screw the rest. In a way, I envy that sort of attitude. I just can’t do it.

In the absence of true acceptance by those in our lives who are important to us, we either find the internal strength and/or find new support. Some of us attend support groups. I’ve never thought of myself as a support group type of girl. For one thing, the closest real group is over an hour and a half away. Second, I rationalize that I have enough friends who accept me, so I don’t need it. The fact that none of those friends know exactly what it is like to be trans doesn’t seem to sink in to me.
After we transition, (warning: this portion deals only with post ops or those living FT), we need to be able to integrate. We must learn to accept ourselves completely. For some this means seeing themselves as women, not as transwomen. For others it means embracing the fact that we are transpeople. What it is, however, is a letting go of what “was” and becoming what “is.” It is embracing the new you, and it is easy for some and more difficult for others.

The bottom line, is that if you don’t come to true acceptance, you will not find happiness…either in transition, not transitioning, having surgery, not having surgery. Acceptance is key. The challenge is that key has to open a lot of doors…and you have to be willing to explore them all…and to be willing to have some of them slammed in your face. In the end, it is worth it…at least it has been for me.