Gender-ID.com

I've been thinking about how I'm going to come out to my parents, and I thought I'd shoot out a few thoughts/ideas to see what more experienced people here think...

I have decided that writing a letter to my parents is a good way to go about it. That way I won't get even more scared and trip over my words or forget something important. It'll give me time to plan things out and make what I have to say as coherent as it possibly can be. I'm writing one letter for my mom, and one for my dad. I think I'll end up coming out to my mother first, though I'm not quite sure yet...

I have one question though - would it be better to write something longer, going into more depth and detail about what I'm going through, or something shorter? I'm thinking if its longer it will give them more to read over and absorb and think about, but I worry it will be more overwhelming that way. If its on the shorter side, directly to the matter and without much of an explaination, I worry that they might not take it seriously or understand what I'm saying. A shorter letter might prompt them to talk to me sooner - but there are pros and cons to that too... hmm... *ponders all the possibilities until his head explodes*.

At any rate, I won't be coming out in any fashion to them for awhile yet. I would like to wait until I move out. I think putting a bit of distance between us will give all of us a chance to step back and take it in. That, and if things go bad, I still have a roof over my head.

Whenever I do get to it, I'd like to give them a few books to read. Does anyone have a few good recommendations? I'd like to have some material written specifically for parents of trans people, as well as some directed at trans individuals themselves (so they can get a better understanding of what I'm thinking about.)

True Selves was a pretty good read, and I think thats one I'll definitely encourage them to read. I'm just not sure what else might be helpful.

Anyways, I just needed to put some thoughts out there. Thanks everyone.

Hi Ethan

I don't envy you this task. Obviously, it's going to be upsetting regardless of how they're informed. I think if it was me I'd opt for a more male of "butch" way of physical presentation and let them get used to seeing me in that mode and then from there I would introduce the truth of my GID.

If I remember correctly, you said you were presenting as pretty feminine at this point. I wonder if the leap from feminine appearing female all the way to male might make things more difficult for them?

I would be willing to bet that your parents know that something is 'up' already. After all, you grew up in that family.

Personally, I used True Selves and a letter of middle length to come out to my parents for the second time (the first was a failed attempt in the 1970's). I stated the facts and left it open for them to question and conversation to start from there. My father, surprisingly, took it fairly well and I wish he was still around to talk to. My mother, on the other hand is still in denial and treats me badly every chance she gets. My sister and I get along very well, her response was: " Oh! So thats what has been going on all your life!"

However you do it, it is a very stressfull experience. Take Care Hon

Ethan Alexander
i for one wish you the best this is not a easy road
but if this is for you go for it


Anne

Thanks for all the well wishes, everyone.

I'm not presentng as much of anything right now. I stick to jeans and hoodies/sweatshirts and sneakers. But, my hair is still a bit longer, though I keep it tied back. I'm really itching to get it cut short, but I'm not exactly sure how I'll explain that one, since its such an obvious change. Undoubtedly, they still see me as just being "my own version of a girl".

Lately though, I have not been trying to hide or filter the way I act or hold myself around them, which is something I used to do. When around them, I changed how I sat, how I walked, how I moved my hands, everything. I've stopped doing that and just relaxed to let me be me. I've stopped hiding the fact that I don't carry a purse (I have one my mother bought me, and I hate it - how do you ladies deal with lugging around extra stuff all day? I'm not at all jealous! ) and its been 5 or 6 years since I have even touched makeup.

That is a good idea, Rachel, to ease into a more comfortable appearance first... heck, maybe they'll even catch on before I tell them! I can only hope that they have at least wondered if something is up.

Again, thanks for the help guys Its nice to see a bit of activity on the board.

Hi again Ethan

It seems to me you're doing everything right. I guess my point is that you don't want to give anyone "the bends" by surfacing too fast if you are perceived as being distinctly "feminine".

I'd continue as you are (being yourself)... keep in mind that safety is always an issue. If you begin presenting as "butch" you'll likely threaten the more homophobic males about. This caveat shouldn't stop you in your course but is a reminder that when we start changing the status quo wrt gender presentation we tend to rile the feathers of of some people.

When it comes to hair length... I'd recommend cutting it about half-way short to where you ultimately want it then cut it again at a later date to the point you as a male are happy with. Again, the idea is that you take things slow enough to give folks around you a fair time to adjust.

Obviously, this is simply my take on things and others here would likely recommend an accelerated approach or a "hang the world and you be you" philosophy but it's my simply my opinion.

Thanks (as always) for posting, Ethan

hey ethan and everyone,

here is the letter i wrote to my extended family, i hope it helps someone.



it can also bee seen here on my vlog http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMD68_Pyr8Q

Welcome to the board, Sarah.

I looked over your YouTube profile and I must say that hormones have really helped your transition. You look great.
Thanks for posting your letter here and please feel free to continue posting your thoughts and experiences here whenever you get the time and urge to write.

Thanx again,

Rachel